Forbidden
by GuidingHand
Summary: Professor Snape catches Harry and Ron as they exit the Forbidden Forest after their trip to the acromantula nest. He ensures they are punished for their forbidden trip and also finds solutions to problems he was previously forbidden to resolve. Disclaimer: chapters two and eight will contain spanking; of a preteen/teen. Tip: If you like humor more than angst start with ch. 3.
1. Discussions

Disclaimer: I enjoyed writing this, but I do not own it.

Disclaimer 2: In the real world I do not condone the use of implements on children. A hand or time out, or grounding should be sufficient enough. But this is make believe and it works for my story. If you don't like reading such things you can skip the majority of chapter 2 and all of chapter 8 without it really effecting your understanding of the plot.

Notice: Harry's behavior in this chapter may seem off character, but his actions are the basis for the plot.

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**Discussions**

Snape was on patrol duty and as he looked out a window he saw that blasted Ford Anglia crashing out of the forest and spitting two miscreants and a dog onto the ground. The dog hightailed it for Hagrid's hut while one of the miscreants proceeded to regurgitate all over the ground. Snape stormed out of the castle and made his way to the two wayward students.

He had a deep desire to immediately begin yelling at the both of them, but knew that a vomiting child took in little to any of their surroundings. Snape conjured a glass of water and thrust it into Weasley's hand. The child gulped it down and when he was through Snape replaced the glass with a vial of calming draught which the child also drank. Upon finishing it Weasley finally looked up, then screeched, "Aaahhh!" as he tumbled backwards on to his arse, presumably shocked at seeing his most hated professor standing there before him.

Snape ignored the fumbling child as he removed a notepad and quill from his robes. He scratched down a note and handed it to the red head, "Take this to Madame Pomfrey. She will give you a dreamless sleep potion. You will report to my office for detention at 7:00 PM Friday evening." Hopefully by then the child would have gotten over whatever had terrified him so Snape wouldn't have to deal with a traumatized child. Weasley stumbled to his feet. In a daze he made his way to the castle, completely unaware in his shocked state that his best friend hadn't been given the same instructions and wasn't following him.

Snape turned to the other child in the clearing. "As for you Mr. Potter, as you don't seem as affected by your little jaunt into the woods as your friend was, we will be dealing with your punishment tonight." With that Snape turned and pointed his wand at a log and began slicing a plank from it.

Harry hadn't yet figured out why Snape was cutting a log, but he felt it time to defend himself regardless. "But sir, Professor Hagrid told us to go into the forest. He told us to follow the spiders!" Harry gulped as he started to see the shape of a paddle being carved from the plank of wood.

Snape turned and glared at Harry, "Do not use that as an excuse Potter. Hagrid is a nice enough bloke, but you knew as a first year not to trust his judgment when it comes to safety. Otherwise you would never have assisted him in removing the dragon from his hut or knew you could so easily obtain information from him about that monstrosity of a dog." Snape turned back to his carving, finished the last cut and then cast a sanding charm on the wood. Picking up the paddle and placing his hand on the base of Potter's neck, he directed the child into the castle.

"You said you were following the spiders. I presume that to mean you came upon the acromantual nest and that that is why Mr. Weasley is ill?"

"Yes sir. They threatened to eat us, but the car rescued us."

"Why precisely were you following the spiders?"

"People keep getting petrified and no one was doing anything about it! We were trying to find out what the monster was so we could deal with it."

"You imbecilic child. Of course we're doing something about it. You are a child. This is an adult issue for adults to solve. Just because you are not privy to the actions we have taken does not mean actions have not been taken," Snape stated as he opened the castle doors and led the child towards a set of stairs leading up.

"But we did find out important information. The acromantula told us that a girl died in a bathroom the last time the chamber was opened."

Snape rolled his eyes heavenwards. "Professor Dumbledore worked here at the time that happened, as did other staff members. Not to mention the dozens of ghost swooping around and the hundreds of portraits that were all here at that time and spent many a year gossiping about the events. Myrtle's death isn't exactly a secret Potter."

Harry huffed and crossed his arms, then his brow furrowed. There really had been no reason to enter the forest. There were many, many others he could obtain information from. He would have to remember to make use of the ghost and portraits the next time he went on a quest. They had already progressed up two flights of stairs when they stopped on a landing, waiting for a staircase to swing their way.

"Here, you carry this." Snape thrust the paddle into Potter's hand. The child fumbled with the instrument, then looked up at Snape with large, scared eyes. Snape smirked inwardly as he glared outward. For the next two flights they walked in complete silence. Snape knew how to terrify children. Making them hold and silently contemplate the implement that would soon be used on them seemed to be quite an effective way of deterring future misbehavior.

It was working. Harry was shaking on the inside. Years of practice with the Dursley's had taught him how to appear stoic on the outside while his emotions went haywire inside. That was why he didn't appear as affected by the acromantula, although the thought of being eating by a giant spider made his guts twist. He swallowed and looked down at the heavy implement in his hand.

Finally, Snape spoke. "Why did you not come to an adult with the information about following the spiders?"

"Adults can't be trusted." It was such a simple fact of life for Harry that the comment came out without thought.

"Excuse me." Snape turned and sent a death glare at Potter. "Pray tell Potter, why is it adults cannot be trusted?"

"It simply is. Adults don't care what happens to children. We have to look out for ourselves, no one else will."

Snape seethed on the inside. He had worked as a double agent spy to keep this brat alive, had been bitten by a three head dog, and had even cast a counter-curse to keep this child from plummeting to his death and yet the child had the nerve to say no adults cared what happened to children. "Examples Mr. Potter. If you are going to make this claim you need to support it."

"Well, you already gave two yourself. Hagrid thinking it is okay to raise a dragon at a school and giving eleven year olds hints about how to get past a Cerberus. Then there's Professor McGonagall, sending a group of first years out into the Forbidden Forest for detention at midnight without adult supervision. Though, I suppose the without supervision part could be blamed on Hagrid as he is the one that told us to separate." Snape's blood boiled. One of his Slytherin's had been sent on that detention as well. He and Minerva had had quite the battle over it in the staff lounge when he had found out. Harry continued, "Then there is Professor Dumbledore. He set a trap for Voldemorte in a school! Well, he'll likely say that he was just helping an old friend. But, if you know an item is likely to draw dangerous attention why would a headmaster hide it in a school! Shouldn't the headmaster's first duty be to the students, not his friend?" The same protestations had been thrown at the headmaster by the staff of Hogwart's when he had proposed the plan to hide the stone there. "Now he keeps the school open even though people keep getting petrified and like you said, he even knows that the monster killed someone before. If adults actually cared about students why is the school open?" Good question, thought Snape, yet another argument made by the staff to Dumbledore. "Not that I mind the school staying open. If it closed I'd have to go back to living with the Dursley's, which is just another reason I don't trust Professor Dumbledore. He left me at the Dursley's for 10 years and never once checked up on me. Then when I tell him that I hate it there and beg him to let me stay here or live somewhere else he brushes me off, saying, 'Oh, it can't really be all that bad. They're your family!' Doesn't bother to ask me even one question about why I hate it there. "

They had turned down a hallway and were head towards an unused classroom. "I take it you do not trust the Dursley's either?" inquired Snape.

Harry snorted. "Sure I trust them. I trust them to remember to lock the door to my room so I can't get out until they've made such a mess that they need me out to do chores. I can trust that they will spoil Dudley and never buy me so much as a t-shirt. I can trust that they won't speak to me unless it is to give me orders or to tell me what a worthless freak I am. I can trust that when I get in trouble I won't eat for several days, or may be given only small snacks a few times a day for weeks on end. I once spent three weeks in my cupboard."

"Cupboard?"

"Yeah, just another reason I don't trust the adults here. My first Hogwart's letter was addressed to the cupboard under the stairs. How do you write something like that on an envelope and then not investigate as to why a child is sleeping in a closet? I bet it was the gossip of the castle for a few days, but no one bothered to do anything about it because adults don't care about kids."

"Potter, the letters are addressed with a magical quill. It is unlikely anyone ever glanced at the letter. It certainly never came up in the castle's gossip mill." Snape made a silent reminder to himself to convey to Minerva the importance of reading those envelopes before she takes them to the owlery. They were now standing in the former magical crafts classroom. The school board had deemed magical crafts an unnecessary course, much like their muggle counterparts that were eliminating art class from many schools. The class would probably become an immediate required course if the pure bloods found out that banning it made them in any way similar to muggles. "Anything else?" Snape asked Potter.

"Well, it isn't really about safety, but how are we supposed to trust adults to make good decisions when we have teachers like _Quivering Quirrellmort _ and the _Pompous Idiot_ and the _Name Fumbling Ghost_?"

Harry glanced down at the paddle still in his hand and hesitantly raised it towards Snape. Snape did not take it. Instead he said, "You will continue to hold that until it is needed. Currently, you will spend sometime in the corner contemplating your coming punishment and how your actions have led to the need for you to be punished." Snape pointed at a far corner and Harry scrapped his feet against the floor as he went where indicated, nibbling his lip and looking downcast at the ground as he went.


	2. Punishment

Disclaimer 2: In the real world I do not condone the use of a paddle on children. A hand or time out, or grounding should be sufficient enough. But this is make believe and it works well for my story.

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**Punishment**

Why him? Why of all people did Potter decided to tell him all his woes? Snape pondered over it as he rubbed a hand over his face. He froze with his hand half covering his eyes as it struck him! That little blighter was testing him! Snape had placed the paddle in Potter's hand providing physical proof to the child that at least one adult in his life would take action when children were in danger. Then he was off prattling on and on about how adults couldn't be trusted and never acted in the best interest of children then giving a list of the things he wanted an adult to take care of: closing the school so the students would be safe, competent teachers and a home where he would receive sufficient food, clothes, a bed, socialization and a room of his own that he could leave and enter at will. Potter was testing him to see if he would take action on these other things as well. All of them were reasonable request and things that should have been done prior to now. None were things Snape wanted to take responsibility for and none were things that he could take action on this night, or possibly ever as he did not have the authority to take the necessary actions.

There was one thing he could act on this night to show one Harry James Potter that at least one adult in his world would act in his best interest. The child needed to learn that forbidden meant _Forbidden_. "Out of the corner. Remove your robes. Lower your trousers. Your undergarments can remain on." Once Potter was properly de-vested Snape directed him to bend over one of the tables. Snape then pointed his wand at the table legs, shortening the legs on one side and lengthening them on the other so Potter was perched on his tiptoes and tilted at an angle. The broad part of the paddle lay grasped between Potter's left hand and the table he was clinging to. Snape positioned himself and then laid down a resounding CRACK! with his hand on the upturned bottom.

"Ow."

"What are you being punished for Mr. Potter?"

"We went…ow!"

"I Mr. Potter. You are the only one in here being punished at the moment. Use the word I." Using the pronoun I rather than we often had the wonderful effect of making the student feel more guilty as they couldn't split the blame with any other miscreants.

"Yes sir. I…ow! I went into the…ow! Forbidden Forest! OWW!" Snape had started hitting Harry's thighs, which Harry had not expected. Apparently this spanking was going to cover all areas that sat on a chair. "OWWW!" A particularly hard smack struck his left bum. Harry hadn't cried in years, and he wasn't about to start now. But he could feel the prickling need to at the corner of his eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut in hopes of preventing any drops from forming.

"What else did you do wrong this evening?" Snape continued to swat.

"Sir? Ow." Harry gasped. Talking was making it more difficult to hold in the tears.

"What time is it Potter?"

"Ahh! I'm not sure sir!"

A particularly hard smack hit. "Was it dark when you left your dormitory?"

"Oww! YES! Yes sir!" Harry whimpered as one tear escaped his grasp.

"So what else did you do wrong?"

Harry was having trouble thinking as Snape continued to rain down smacks. What had been the question? SMACK! Another hit landed on his tender thigh and he wished he could lift his feet but he was already as far up on his toes as he could be.

"Potter! Answer the question!"

Finally, an answer popped into his mind. "We went out past curfew sir!" Harry raced through the words hoping he could get them all out without any more exclamations of pain escaping his lips.

"Use the term I Potter."

"Yes sir! Owwww! I…ow… I was out after curfew!"

Snape paused and allowed the child a few moments to whimper and sniffle. The briefs covered the child's bum, but he could see a few dark red hand prints on Potter's thighs. After the child had calmed somewhat he decided to inform Potter of another part of his punishment. "Since you seem incapable of deciding for yourself when is the best time for you to be in bed I will decide for you. For the next three nights you will be fully ready for bed by 9:00PM, homework done, teeth brushed, pajamas on and under the covers by 9. You will stay in bed, attempting to sleep, not goofing around with your friends."

Harry said, "Yes sir," in a shaky voice, but thought to himself, "Stuff it Snape. You'll never know if I have done what you said in any case."

But Snape continued, "A house elf will be sent to check on you. If you have not followed my instructions I will personally come up to Gryffindor Tower and tuck you into bed myself." Harry's eyes snapped open and his mouth dropped in horror at the image that created in his mind. Despite the horrified look, Snape fully expected that at some point over the next three nights he would be entering Gryffindor Tower. The child was looking for an adult he could trust and would inevitably run a test to see if Snape would follow through. Snape actually looked forward to seeing the terrified faces of the supposedly brave Gryffins when the _Bat of the Dungeon_ entered their territory. It could be quite amusing.

"Look at the paddle Mr. Potter." Harry moved his eyes to the paddle. He expected Snape to say more, but nothing was said. Harry just laid there, stretched out over the table, perched on his tiptoes staring at the paddle in the silence. Without the distraction of conversation Harry become more and more aware of how much his backside ached. Harry started to worry about what was to happen next. His heart rate kicked up a beat. He was used to acting when afraid, this just laying here in the silence was starting to grate on his nerves. Having been given no other instructions he continued to stare at the paddle. His breath hitched. He wasn't going to get out of this. Slowly, he reached over with his right hand and grasped the handle, then, with tears dripping down his nose, he passed the implement to Snape.

"Six of the best Mr. Potter. Then you will be going to bed."

Snape rested the paddle on Harry's bum, then pulled it back and swatted hard. "Owwwww!" The loudest screech yet erupted from Harry. Then another hit. "Ahhahhh!" Harry began to sob. He had been stung by a bee once. This felt like been stung by a swarm of bees every few seconds. A third and fourth hit landed.

"You will not sneak about after curfew!" CRACK!

"You will not enter the Forbidden Forest!" CRACK!

Snape conjured a handkerchief and placed it in Potter's hand. "You have 10 minutes to pull yourself together Mr. Potter. I will be waiting in the hall." Nine minutes and 33 seconds later Harry emerged from the room, blotchy faced, but fully clothed and no longer crying. Snape led Potter to Gryffindor Tower and ensured that he made it through the portrait hole, then turned and head back to the dungeons contemplating how he could go about fixing all the things he was _Forbidden_ to fix.


	3. Bedtime

Note: One minor change, Ron's detention has been moved to Friday.

**Bedtime**

Harry and Ron lay in front of the fireplace flipping through Quiditch magazines. The clock had chimed 9:00 twenty minutes ago. "Hey cool! The Wizzby Faints are doing an autograph signing at Quality Quiditch Supplies!"

"Awesome! When?"

"Saturday the fifteenth of.." Harry's voice faltered when he realized his voice could be heard by all as the room had fallen silent. Only one person made a room fall that silent without speaking a word. Harry's head snapped up and his eyes met Snape's.

"Bed." The single word got Harry scrambling to his feet and sprinting for the stairs. A few other terrified first years and one fourth year did the same, not realizing the command was being given to one student, not all of them.

The rest of the Gryffs were frozen, watching wide eyed (and a few of them slack-jawed) as the Chiroptera swooped towards Ron. "You as well Mr. Weasley."

"Huh?"

"Bed, Mr. Weasley. You have three nights of an early bedtime for wandering the grounds after curfew while students are being petrified. 9:00 for three nights."

Crap, there goes my date with the cute Ravenclaw thought one fifth year. She certainly wasn't going to risk having Snape coming back and telling her to go to bed at 9.

"But..." began Ron.

Snape raised an eyebrow. "We will be meeting with your mother during your detention this Friday," Ron's jaw dropped,"Perhaps refusing to follow a simple bedtime is something else you'd like to add to the things you'll be confessing to her?"

Ron paled, and rose to his feet. "Good night, sir." Ron turned and headed up the stairs. Snape surreptitious levitated a bottle of dreamless sleep into Ron's pocket as he went by.

Snape turned to Percy. "You will do your duty as a prefect and ensure that your brother and Mr. Potter do in fact go to bed."

"Yes professor," confirmed Percy.

Snape's robes billowed behind him Batman style, as he made his way to his cave...uh...quarters. He'd loved the movie as a child as he'd gone to it with Lily. The charm that created the billowing effect was one he had created himself. Perhaps he'd go to the cinema this weekend.


	4. Plotting

Disclaimer: implied swearing

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_The knock came on the door at 6:59 on Friday evening. Snape reflected back to a few days earlier..._

**Plotting**

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Snape smacked the button on his alarm clock and instantly fell back to sleep. Twenty minutes later he flung the annoying thing at the wall. He'd fix it with his wand once he was more awake.

Groggily, he stumbled to his kitchenette and poured himself a mug of coffee. Being a spy did not mean he was naturally a morning person. Snape groaned and lay his head on the table as he recalled all the problems that had been dropped in his lap.

James Bond never had these kinds of problems. 007 always had an evil villain to fight, an enemy's camp to infiltrate. Snape thrived on such activities. He'd even found himself playing the music in his head from time to time when he went on missions for whichever master he was working for at the time.

But where was the enemy? The challenge of sneaking about without being caught?

He needed to come up with a plan.

Some may think that Snape thought in words, what with the eloquence of his voice, but in reality he was a picture man. Agent 009 (AKA Severus Snape) needed to take in every object, every action, every face in a room instantly. How was he to catch and remember all those details without a photographic memory? Even a pensive would not due on its own, for it is what the observer notices and uses that is important.

Snatching the levitated quill and parchment from the air, Agent 009 got down to business.

Sometime later a sketch lay before him, it was to be the first of many, to be charmed to be seen only by him.

The first picture was of the castle. Students were being ushered through the front door to the carriages pulled by the winged death seers. Flitwick was cheerfully waving them off. Minerva was pestering this one and that to be more observant of their surrounds and not leave their belongings scattered on the grounds. Snape himself was cheerfully hammering a sign into the ground that read, "School Closed. No students allowed." It is always best to start a plan with your goals in mind.

Snape accioed his paints, which he had brewed himself. He started to fill in the details of different people in the scene. Blessed there were a lot of red heads in the school. All Weasley kin no doubt. Molly and Arthur weren't the only ones in that clan that bred like stray cats. It seemed like every year there was a new litter of them.

Agent 009 smirked. He knew just how to clear out the school. A few notes played out in his head, Duh, dun dun dun, duh, du dun du duh, duh duhn du.

Why wasn't the school already empty? Teenagers do not relinquish freedom easily. A boarding school provided much more freedom than their home. Proportionally, there were far fewer adults at school to monitor their activities. They lived with their friends and could spend day after day socializing. What teenager was going to give that up by notifying a parent that their classmates were being petrified? There were a few parents who had heard of course, but primarily those were the snootiest of the pure bloods and they believed that the monster would never harm their children. But if a protective, less arrogant parent found out...

As these thoughts went through his head he sketched out the plan for how to make it happen. He cast drying and concealment charms on it, then moved on to goal two.

An image of a ghost in front of a class of sleeping students started to take form on the paper. In walked the thespian, defense poser, fumbling his wand as he grinned, claiming to be able to rid the room of evil spirits. Unconsciously he began to draw himself berating students. Snape frowned. He wasn't supposed to be part of this portrait. Was he?

He was the most brilliant potioner in Europe. He'd created potions that woke people from comas, potions that tamed wild beast, potions that kept hair from going gray and falling out. He'd created potions that could exude fumes that burned only muggles. Potions that made people hear a constant scream that wasn't there. He could almost feel his tattoo...pulse. The bastard was still out there somewhere. Snape threw up his barriers, then looked down at what he had drawn.

$ *£. It showed him showing the little buggers how to properly, dice, chop and measure; and there was the know-it-all teaching her fellow students how to use post-it notes to hide all but the current line of the recipe. "Sigh. Perhaps I should change a few things about how I teach. But if they want me to be nice they can just stuff it. And I'm not change how I give or take points," decided Snape.

Now, how to get rid of the other two? He flipped to a new page and drew. Duh, dun dun dun, duh, du dun du duh.  
The music picked up again in his brain as Agent 009 sketched a talking envelope, a finish line, a scroll with a seal and a newspaper heading that read, "Grand Prize valued at 30,000 Galleons!" Snape smirked. Wouldn't they be surprised when they found out what the prize was?

Now for the one he'd been dreading: how to improve Potter's home life. As usual he felt torn in two. His best friend and his worst enemy. He wanted to help one and harm the other, but they were both sharing the same body in their child. Doing anything to help a Potter made him feel ill. Doing anything to harm Lily made him feel equally ill. The number of calming draughts and stomach soothers he'd taken over the past year to deal with the situation was absurd.

Despite this, Snape sketched out a house, a closet full of clothes, a full refrigerator, a debit card and even a sketch of Potter hanging out with a neighbor child. His plan also contained pictures of potion vials.

Snape cast drying and concealment charms on all of his work, then capped his inks and paints. He had a potions class in ten minutes, and the first part of his plans to put in place.


	5. Teaching

_Slow, dark tones play (Forbidden's theme music)..._

_Last time on Forbidden we watched as there was a knock at Snape's office door. Then we jumped to a flashback of Agent 009 (AKA Severus Snape) at his Slytherin best, plotting how to fix the things he does not have the authority to fix. The things he has been Forbbiden to fix. Now let's watch as Snape begins to put some of his plans into motion._

End Intro

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**Teaching**

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Snape glowered as he leaned over Potter's work station. "That is not how you slice taro root." As he said this, he plucked a few hairs from Harry's head. Snape looked at the table next to Potter's. Another little dunderhead was cutting thick, circular pieces of taro. Glancing around he noticed that even the students slicing in the correct direction were making pieces that were too thick, or too short.

"Stop!" All eyes clicked to Snape. "Stasis charms on all of the caldrons. Immediately." Wands were waved and brewing stopped. Snape stalked to the table at the front of the room, touched his wand to it and then pointed it at the air above it, casting, "Magnifio." A magnified view of the table top appeared in the air.

Snape placed a taro root on the table. "For this concoction taro must be sliced from end to end. Begin by cutting it in half, then in half again so you will have a flat side to set it on and a flat side to slice from."

Snape waved his wand and fresh taro roots moved to in front of each student. "Cut your quarters, but do not begin slicing." Two students ignored him, Longbottom and Malfoy, both had begun to slice; the prior probably due to a lack of attention, the later due to arrogance. Snape placed a heavy hand on Malfoy's shoulder and squeezed, silently indicating that what was about to be said applied to him as well. "Those of you unable to follow instructions would do best to sit on your hands if you cannot prevent yourself from acting before instructed." Longbottom looked up at Snape who had been staring at him. Neville dropped his knife on the table and quickly slid his hands beneath his legs.

Snape went back to the demonstration. "The taro must be sliced paper thin. You should be able to see through each slice. If your knife is not sharp enough to make such thin slices then cast the sharpening spell on it." A shaky hand rose into the air. "Yes, Ms. Thomas?"

"What's the sharpening spell?"

Snape dragged a hand down his face. This was going to be harder than he thought.


	6. Operation: Mr Fuss

Disclaimer: This is fun to write, but I don't own any of it. :)

Author's note: In case you are not a Superman fan, to understand this chapter you will need to know that Superman has an alter ego known as Clark Kent. Clark uses phone booths as a place to change into his Superman outfit.

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Author's note 2: This chapter often contains the word 'Harry' in single quotes. This is meant to imply that it is really Snape, but appears to be Harry.

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**Operation: Mr. Fuss**

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Classes were done for the day and it was time for him to begin Operation Mr. Fuss (Money, wardRobe, Food, Unlock-able door, Socialization, Security, all for one Harry Potter). This was his type of mission, sneaking about, pretending to be someone he wasn't. Too bad it was Potter he was going to have to pretend to be. His skin crawled at the thought.

Moments earlier Snape had apparated to a side street off Diagon Alley. Snape crossed the street, making his way to the floo booth, Bond music playing in his head. The floo booth had been installed about 40 years earlier by a half-blood who thought it would be useful for the wizarding world to have an equivalent to the muggle phone booth. As Snape entered the dark paneled both his theme music switched to Superman. Clark Kent pulled Harry's hair from his pocket and dropped it into the vial of polyjuice potion. The pain was incredible as he shrunk and morphed into the appearance of Harry Potter. Clark cast shrinking spells on his clothing and pulled a pair of glasses from his pocket. With the change complete the theme music switched back to Bond (duh, dun dun dun, duh, du dun du duh duh duhn du). Agent 009 exited the booth and made his way to Gringotts.

'Harry' approached one of the goblin tellers. "I'd like to obtain a debit card that I can use in both the magical and muggle world.

"Name?"

"Harry James Potter." Ugh! That was hard to say. "I can't believe I'm pretending to be Potter," thought Snape.

The goblin reached into a draw and pulled out a card. "Key?"

Snape reached into his pocket and pulled it out. That had been another fun adventure, sneaking into Gryffindor Tower and rummaging through Potter's things to find the key.

The goblin took the key and placed it on the card. Harry's name appeared on the card.

The goblin squinted at 009. "All purchase made with this card must be made by or for the benefit of Harry James Potter."

"I can still by presents for my friends, can't I?"

"Harry can by presents for his friends." The goblin responded, emphasizing Harry.

Agent 009 felt like pouting and stomping his feet as he went to the door, "Bloody, observant goblins. How'd he figure me out?" pondered Snape. But he had to keep his cover so he didn't stomp or pout. He strode like he owned the world.

Agent 009 put a mental check mark next to the M in Mr. Fuss. Snape raised his hood, so The Boy Who Lived wouldn't be recognized, then 'Harry' ventured off to the muggle world to purchase some clothes.

After reaching Charing Cross Road Snape removed his robe. Underneath he wore black slacks and a black button down shirt. Luckily, there was a clothing store not far from the Three Broom Sticks. He went in and headed for a rack of dark shirts. Snape held one up to 'Harry's' body. Too small. Another one. Too big. A third. Just right. (What was this, Goldilocks?) Snape looked at the tag and found the size, then grabbed several others of the same size: black, green, blue, black and green striped, blue and green striped. If Harry wanted any other colors he'd have to purchase them himself. Then he saw a Star Wars shirt with Yoda on the front levitating Luke's space ship. Snape snagged that one too.

'Harry' went over to the trousers section. There was no way Snape was going to change clothes while in Potter's body. Lifting pairs of trousers up to his body he found one that looked like it would be only slightly too large. Harry could wear a belt until he grew in to them.

"Wouldn't you like to try those on?"

It was a sales clerk. Agent double o nine's heart rate went up. It was time to perform. "Actually, I'm buying these for my cousin. He is near my size, but not an exact match, so trying them on won't really help."

"Oh, why are you shopping for your cousin?"

"He's staying with us for a little while, but the airport lost his luggage. He doesn't like planes and isn't feeling too well, so mum sent me to get him some clothes."

"Well that's nice. Is there anything I can help you with?

"No mam."

Crisis evaded, 009 finished the clothes shopping, shrunk the purchased items and mentally checked off R, wardRobe. He then took another swig of polyjuice, so he could maintain Potter's appearance, for the sake of using the debit card. Then he re-put on his wizard robes and lifted the hood. He'd only lower it if someone wanted to verify his ID when he used the card.

'Harry' made his way back toward Diagon Ally and headed to Aeolus Magical Appliances. "I'd like to purchase a mini fridge." He told the wizard behind the counter.

"Ain't you a bit young to be purchasing appliances?"

Snape raised an eyebrow, "I can afford it, so what's it to you?"

"No need to be rude, now. Just a bit odd seeing someone your age in here. What is it you're needing this for?"

"I want it for my room. My mum is a horrible cook. I want to be able to order food and have it appear in it. That way I can have something that taste good, but I won't have to hurt my mum's feelings by eating something else in front of her."

"Alright then, let's see what we've got. This model might work for you. It is made to look like a one drawer dresser and can easily slide under a bed. It's called the Dieter's Secret Treasure Box. You can choose to have it open and show only your clothes or press this button and it will show you the food. One of its features is an account with Edesia's Cafe Diem. A menu will appear in the food section each day. You just tick off the items you want and put the list in the drawer and shut it. About ten minutes later your order will appear in the drawer. It has an apparition charm on it you see, so whatever you put in it will appear at Edesia's and whatever they put in the mate of this drawer will automatically appear in your drawer."

"What kind of food is on the menu?" Snape was concerned that the Dieters Treasure Box would only send sweets.

"Soups and sandwiches mostly," replied the salesmen, "Though once a day there is a hot meals selection and one desert comes with each lunch and dinner."

"Sounds good. How much?" They haggled over the price for a bit, but eventually a satisfied 009 exited the appliance store with the Dieters Treasure Box shrunk in his pocket. The F (Food) in Mr. Fuss was ticked off.

U (un-lockable doors) was next. 'Harry' entered Nuts and Bolts and made quick purchases of a dead bolt and an un-dead bolt.

SS (socialization and security) would have to wait for another day. Snape needed to be getting back to the castle. Agent 009 thought operation Mr. Fuss was going quite well so far. Making sure no one was around, 009 re-entered the floo booth. The Superman theme song began (duhnnn, dun, dun, dun, duhnn, dun dun) as Clark resized his clothes and waited to morph back into Snape. Once the change was complete Snape apparated back to Hogwart's gate and returned to the castle.

* * *

Background Information

Aeolus: The Greek god of air and wind. The ball of Aeolus is the oldest known steam engine, created more than 2,000 years ago.

Edesia: The Roman goddess of feasting.


	7. Operation: Dunderheads Vacate

Note: I know it is odd that Arthur and Moly would have no knowledge of what was going on at the school with the petrifications, and the removal of Hagrid and Dumbledore from the school, but I need it that way to make my story work so just think of this as an alternate universe.

* * *

**Operation: Dunderheads Vacate**

009 sat at his desk reviewing his plans for Operation: Dunderheads Vacate. The first part contained the goal: a sketch of the front of the castle with Minerva ushering the dunderheads to the carriages while Flitwick waved goodbye and he, Snape, cheerfully hammered a sign into the ground that read, "School Closed. No students allowed." Snape glanced over. A corner of said sign stuck out behind a bookshelf. Like before, Snape grimaced at the site of all the red heads in the picture. They were the key to his plan.

Snape flipped to the next drawing. It included just one red head dunderhead stuttering to two red hair parents that didn't seem very pleased with him. There was also a series of fireplaces with heads in them. Next to a door there was a tumbling pile of trunks, animal cages and teenage odds and ends.

At 6:59 a knock came at the door. 009 laid the plans down on his desk knowing that to others it would look like nothing other than a list of potions. "Enter."

Ron entered. "Sir, would you like me to clean cauldrons? Peel slugs? De-leg scorpions?" Ron was not looking forward to seeing his parents and hoped that Snape would choose one of these other options. Ron's parents were kind, loving people, but that doesn't mean they aren't strict when it came to one of their brood risking their life or the life of a sibling. Case in point: Fred and George convincing him to make an un-breakable vow.

This past summer Ron had come home and regaled his parents with how he had earned his house 50 points in one go. "For playing chess?" his father had asked. His parents had been less than impressed when they heard the whole tale of his adventure in the bowels of the castle. From their point of view eleven and twelve year olds should not be risking their lives. Oh, they were plenty peeved off at Dumbledore and his mum had sent a howler to prove it. How dare the headmaster set a dangerous trap inside a school? But they had plenty of frustration left over for him. The ensuing lecture and punishment for risking his life had not been pleasant.

"You'll be doing none of those Mr. Weasley. Your parents are expecting us. Well, me in any case. I have scheduled a meeting with them regarding the behavior of one of their sons. They probably assume I'm bringing one of the twins."

Ron's stomach rolled.

"Through the floo Mr. Weasley."

Ron took a handful of floo powder, stated, "The Burrow," and stepped into the flames. Moments later he stepped out of the fireplace in the Burrow's kitchen. A few seconds later Snape followed.

"Ron?"

"Hi, Mum."

"Mrs. Weasley, Mr. Weasley."

Arthur nodded, "Severus."

"I arranged this meeting because your son got himself into a bit of a fix earlier in the week."

"What kind if fix?" queried Molly.

"I'll leave that for him to explain."

All eyes turned to Ron. "Um, well. I was attacked by some large spiders a few days ago. Would have given me nightmares, but Professor Snape gave me some dreamless sleep potion." Snape rose an eyebrow at the lack of details and his name being brought up in the explanation.

Molly automatically went into protective mother mode. Running over to Ron, she grasped him in a tight hug. "Oh, Ron. That's awful. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine mum."

"Mr. Weasley, aren't you leaving a few things out, like where the spiders were and exactly how large they were?" Molly glared at Severus. Why would a professor insist on Ron reliving the memory of how large the spiders were?

"Ron?" Arthur gave his son a questioning look.

"Where?" Ron squeaked, "The ah, Forbidden Forest. They..they," Ron gulped, "They were acromantulas, about ten feet across and eight feet tall."

Molly had a hand to her throat and she was gasping for air as she looked at her son with huge eyes. "Acromantula?!" She screeched.

In a darker tone his father said, "The Forbidden Forest? What were you doing in the Forbidden Forest?"

"Harry and I were trying to find out information about the monster that has been turning people to stone."

"Monster? People turning to stone?" Molly's eyes flew to Snape. "Severus, what is he talking about?"

"Didn't you know? I was sure one of your brood would have told you. The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Slytherin's monster has been attacking students. Three have been petrified so far. Mr. Weasley, what was it you discovered in the acromantula den?"

"Th... That someone had died th...the last time the Chamber was opened."

"Died!" Molly looked ready to have another panic attack.

"Why did you go into the forest Ronald?"

Oh no. His dad had switched to using Ronald instead of Ron. Not a good sign. "We ah, Hagrid told us to follow the spiders and the spiders were going into the woods."

"Why didn't Hagrid follow the spiders?"

"They took him to Azkaban. Malfoy and Fudge thought he might have something to do with the Chamber being opened. They sacked Dumbledore too."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Molly.

"Who did you seek help from before going into the forest?" asked Arthur.

Ron closed his eyes. He'd been dreading this question. "No one." Ron responded.

Arthur continued his questioning. "What research did you do into the dangers of the Forbidden Forest and how to defend yourself before you entered it?"

"None sir." Ron fidgeted, looking at his feet.

"I think you and I need to have a talk." Arthur rose from his chair and led his son from the room.

"Stone Severus? The monster is turning students to stone and the school is still open?"

"Once the mandrakes have matured I will make a potion that will un-petrify everyone."

"But you said someone had died the last time the Chamber was opened. Shouldn't that have been enough to close the school."

Snape shrugged. "I do not control such things. Perhaps if more parents knew, but teens rather protect their free time with friends than risk informing their parents and being sent home."

Molly's eyes flared. "Leave it to me Severus. Just send my children home and I'll see to the rest. If you'll excuse me, I have some floo calls to make."

Snape smirked as he exited the fireplace into his office. Operation: Dunderheads Vacate was underway and with so little effort from himself. The Weasley's may not have political pull, but their sheer numbers could be more powerful than a dragon in heat. Arthur and Molly both had numerous siblings and cousins and they all bred like rabbits trying to re-populate the Earth. The floos would burn hot tonight as information spread. With any luck he'd be hammering his sign into the ground before classes started Monday morning.


	8. Discussions and Punishment

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this.

Disclaimer 2: This chapter will contain the spanking of a child. I do not condone the use of implements when punishing children. This is make believe.

* * *

**Discussions and Punishment**

"Why don't you get ready for bed, then we'll talk?" Arthur directed his son into his bedroom.

"But it's only 7 and aren't I going back to school?" asked Ron.

"No Ronald. Get ready for bed." His dad repeated.

Ron put on a spare pair of pajamas he'd left at the Burrow and took care of his ablutions. His dad was waiting for him in his room when he returned a slipper tucked by his side. Ron flushed then paled a little. "Have a seat Ron." Ron sat on his bed and fiddled with his blanket.

"I'm disappointed Ronald." Ron flushed and looked more intently at his feet. "What did I tell you last summer?"

"To let you know if I'm worried about something and to get help."

"You're very good at chess, Ron." Ron's eyes lifted and he looked at his dad. He always liked it when his parents acknowledged something he was good at. Sometimes he felt so lost in the crowd at the Burrow. "What does it take to win a game of chess?"

Ron smiled a little. "You have to look ahead at what could happen if you make certain moves. You have to plan to make sure your pieces make it. Sometimes it helps to get advice from the pieces."

"The same thing is true in the real world." Arthur looked carefully at his son. "Who could you have gotten help from?"

"My siblings, my housemates, teachers. But they wouldn't have helped."

"Really? Did you ask any of them?" Ron shrugged. "Next time you consider doing something like this I expect you to talk to your siblings and your head of house and anyone else older than you that maybe able to help."

"Yes sir."

"What lives in the forest Ronald?"

"Other than spiders," Ron shuddered, "unicorns, centaur, werewolves." Ron's voice went up an octave on the last word.

"The werewolves I believe to be a myth, but there are blood sucking bearbug, clabberts, cockatrice, red caps, flush eating slugs, graphorns, lithifolds and as well as many, many others." Ron shivered. He didn't even recognize the names of half the things his dad had mentioned, but the ones that were familiar he knew to be very dangerous. "The next time you consider putting yourself in danger I expect you to investigate potential dangers first and plan for how to deal with them."

"Yes sir," stated Ron.

"We need to deal with your punishment Ronald. I want you to remember tonight. We care about you very much and we would be devastated if we lost you. You'll be getting 13 with the slipper, one for each year of age. Bare your bum and lay on the bed."

"Sir?" Ron felt panicked, he'd never been smacked on the bare with the slipper before.

"You heard me Ronald Bilius Weasley. You risked your life and made no effort to make the situation safer for yourself. Now do as your told, no arguments, " Arthur stated firmly, but not unkindly.

Ron lay with his arms wrapped around his pillow waiting for his punishment to begin. His dad put a hand in the middle if his back, holding him in place, the slipper resting on his bare bum.

"These are to remind you to look for potential dangers and plan how to deal with them." Arthur brought the slipper down sharply four times. Ron clenched his pillow with each smack.

"These are to remind you to get help from as many people as possible." SMACK! Ron cried out. SMACK! CRACK!

"Owww!" Instinct took over and one of Ron's hands flew back to protect his bottom. Arthur took hold of Ron's wrist and pinned it to his son's back. Shmack!

"These are to remind you that you are important to us and we expect you to do the best job you possibly can to keep yourself safe."

Ron sobbed as his Dad laid down the next four smacks to his already burning bum. Arthur paused for a moment, waiting for his son to calm. When he was sure his son was listening he spoke, "This is not an experience either of us want to repeat Ronald, but it is one that will be repeated if you make the same poor choices again." With that Arthur landed one more tremendous CRACKKKKK! to the upturned bum.

Arthur vanished the slipper then sat down on the bed next to his son and proceeded to rub his son's back. The crying continued for a few minutes. "Shhh. All's forgiven." Arthur spoke quietly as he continued to rub the child's back. He sat there with his son until the cries switched to hiccuping and eventually to quiet snores. Arthur waved his wand and re-clothed his son. Then he draped a blanket over him and kissed his head before shutting off the lights and leaving the room.

* * *

Visit the HP Lexicon Bestiary to find descriptions of the creatures mentioned in this chapter.

Reviews are appreciated. :) Thanks to all who have followed, favorited or reviewed or just read and enjoyed!


	9. Vignettes

**Vignettes**

* * *

**Operation: Dunderheads Vacate**

Agent 009 snuck into the office of Deputy Headmistress McGonagall. On her desk he placed a copy of the schools charter and bylaws. Policy 398.X-073 was circled.

_Policy 398.X-073_

_In the event that 30% of the student body is unable to attend classes the school will be closed and the students sent home until such time that the cause of said event has been resolved._

**Worry**

Harry sat in the Great Hall slowly, methodically consuming a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of clam chowder. He palmed a packet of oyster crackers and slid them into his pocket. He had unconsciously slipped into survival mode, nicking non-perishable items and eating though he didn't feel like doing so.

His best friend, Ron Weasley, had gone to detention Friday night and hadn't come back. An hour after Ron left Professor McGonagall had come and collected Ron's siblings. Since then numerous other students had left the school.

Harry pulled his feet up onto the bench, wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his head on his knees. It was Sunday afternoon and he was all alone. Hermione was still in the hospital wing, petrified. Neville's Gran had picked him up yesterday. And there were rumors going round the school that if twelve more people went home the school would be closed.

Dealing with the Dursleys had been easier before he came to Hogwarts. Sure he had a bed now and a room that wasn't a cupboard. But when you'd never had better it was easier to accept the neglect than when you knew what it was like to have have plenty of food and friends and a place to be where at least some of the adults didn't treat you like you were less than human. Why hadn't the Headmaster helped him last year when he'd begged to not be sent back there?

Harry steeled himself. Moping wasn't getting him anywhere. He could plan for how to make life at the Dursleys' as tolerable as possible or he could plan for how to keep the school open. Harry looked over as three children were hugged by their parents who had come to take them home. It looked like he better plan for how to deal with the Dursleys as his chances of staying at Hogwarts seemed to be decreasing by the minute.

* * *

**Needs**

Harry sat on his windowsill and looked out at the grounds. What do I need while at the Dursleys'? Warm clothes. It was spring, so the weather was getting warmer, but there were still some chilly days. He had a few sweaters as part of his school uniform but they all had Hogwarts or Gryffindor insignia on them. The Dursleys would burn them if they saw them. Perhaps an older student could remove the patches without damaging the sweaters.

Absentmindedly he reached his hand in his pocket and began to fiddle with whatever was in there. He pulled out the cracker packet. Harry frowned, he didn't remember picking that up. The Dursley's did allow him to eat, they just limited how much he got. Severely limited. Maybe he could get some more crackers to take with him. Harry recalled his conversation with Professor Snape earlier in the week, when you need information ask the portraits and ghost.

Harry grabbed his book bag, dumped its contents into his trunk and then put his invisibility cloak on and left the tower. He wandered until he found a deserted corridor on the first floor. Harry stood before a portrait of Sampson the Strange. Sampson wore a purple top hat with green swirls and a yellow and orange stripped robes. "Why hello! May I help you?" asked Sampson when a head appeared from out of nowhere in front of him.

"Yes sir. I was wondering if you could tell me how to find the kitchens?"

"Why they are just around that corner. Find the portrait with the bowl of fruit and tickle the pear. The door to the kitchens will appear."

"Thank you," replied Harry as he pulled the hood back over his head. Harry found the picture and tickled the pear. He was surprised to find dozens of house elves.

"What can we do for you sir?" chorused several of the elves.

"I was wondering if I could get some crackers?"

"Crackers sir?"

"Crackers don't rot, so they are a good snack to have around."

"We can give you crackers sir. But wouldn't you like fruit as well? Our fruit has charms on it to keep it from rotting." The elves helped Harry fill his book bag to the brim with crackers, and fruit.

Harry made his way back up to the tower. He found a sixth year girl that generally spent a lot of timer perusing fashion magazines. She was willing to remove the school insignias from his sweaters. Her nose crinkled as she removed the offensive things. They were so unfashionable.

There wasn't much else he could do about the rest of the things he hated about living with the Dursleys. He'd just have to survive as best he could.

* * *

The policy mentioned in this chapter is a really policy in many school districts. I discovered it one year when so many students in my district had come down with the flu that we only needed four more students to call in sick district wide to cause all of the schools in our city to close.


	10. 009 Mission Privet Drive

**Staff Meeting**

An emergency staff meeting had been called for Sunday evening. "Per bylaw 398.X-073 the school will be closing," stated Professor McGonagall as she resided over the meeting. "Arrangements have been made for the Hogwarts Express to pick up the remaining students tomorrow at 10:00 AM. I have a list of the parents who have not yet been informed. Each of you have been assigned a set of guardians to get in contact with."

The ponce's smile was way too pleased. He must have Potter on his list. Some of the younger staff seemed just as infatuated with the DADA instructor as many of the students. As Lockhart preened over the attention from one of them Snape switched list. 009 needed to make a trip to Privet Drive.

**Operation: Dunderheads Vacate**

"Jordan! Don't you dare leave that spider to wander around."

"Ms. Bell, is it your intention to leave your school books on the ground?" As predicted, McGonagall was trailing after students ensuring they didn't leave their possessions behind.

"Goodbye, see you in a few weeks!" Flitwick cheerfully waved goodbye from the steps of the school.

Snape received a few odd looks, he didn't realize he had been humming "Tomorrow" from Annie as he hammered in the sign he had made. One student froze and stared. This got Snape's attention. "Breath one word of this and you'll be skinning flubberworms from the time you return until Christmas." The student nodded then turned and dashed for the nearest carriage.

**Operation: Mr. Fuss**

**Mission: Privet Drive**

Snape apparated to a side street near Grunnings Drills. Like many Londoners Snape wore all black: turtleneck, slacks, Dockers. His hair was tide back at the base of his neck. 009 ran a quick errand, then Snape entered Grunnings Drills.

The secretary greeted him then asked, "How can I help you?"

"I need to speak with Vernon Dursley."

"Do you have an appointment?"

Obi-Wan made a slight hand gesture. "I don't need an appointment."

"You don't need an appointment."

Another hand gesture, "Right this way."

"Right this way, sir."

One of Agent 009's most helpful spy techniques was the wandless Jedi mind tricks. It worked on so many mindless idiots. Hhhm, maybe he could use it on Longbottom to get him to follow instructions for once.

Vernon looked questioningly at his guest.

"Let me introduce myself. I'm Stevens, Darren Stevens. I am part of a conglomerate that owns construction companies. The company we purchase drills from has gone under. I'm looking for a new supplier. I was wondering if I could take you out to lunch so we can discuss matters. There is a lovely little Italian place on the first floor of the Regent Hotel where I am staying."

Dursley smiled, "Let's do business."

_20 minutes later..._

While Dursley perused the menu Agent 009 slipped sleeping draught into Vernon's drink.

_10 minutes after that..._

"Thanks for helping me bring him up here. He must not be feeling very well." Mr. Stevens handed a fiver to the bellboy.

Agent 009 pulled several hairs from Dursley's head, storing them for future use. He then searched Dursley's jacket pocket and borrowed Dursley's keys. He considered borrowing Dursley's clothes, but was too disgusted by the thought so he would need to transfigure his own to look like Dursley's instead. Before leaving the hotel room he called Grunnings and left a message with the secretary regarding the closing of Vernon's nephew's school and that Vernon would need to pick the child up from the train station.

Agent 009 found a public restroom between the hotel and Grunnings where he stopped and took a swig of polyjuice potion and morphed into Vernon Dursley.

'Vernon' returned to work where his secretary 'informed him' of the message from his nephew's school. He told his secretary he needed to run home. 009 located Dursley's car, got in and drove to Privet Drive.

"Oh, Vernon! What are you doing home?"

It threw him for a second, having that snoty b. Tuney calling him Vernon, but only for a second. He had looked into some of Vernon's memories during their brief lunch and knew how he was likely to respond. "That blasted freak place is sending the boy back to us."

"What?! But he's not supposed to be back until June!"

"Don't you think I'd bloody leave him there if we could! All I know is that one of those freaks called my office! My office! Told my secretary that I had to pick him up from the train station at 6:00. I'm just here to add a lock to his door, bloody bedroom thief. Should have left him in the cupboard." Vernon grumbled as he climbed the stairs.

Agent 009 easily found the correct bedroom. He entered the room and enlarged the Dieters Treasure Box and slid it under the bed. Harry's new wardrobe was already in the clothes section. With a few shifted blankets the box was hidden. The locks were next. One made the Dursley's lock useless, the other made it so Harry could lock the Dursley's out. Lastly, Agent 009 stuck a letter and the debit card under Harry's pillow.

With the first S in Mr. Fuss taken care of (Security) he only had one thing left to take care of, the second S, Socialization.

"Petunia dear, could you pour us some lemonade. This thing has gotten me so flustered."

"Of course, dear." Petunia brought the drinks into the lounge.

"Do we have any biscuits?"

"I bought some this morning." While Petunia retrieved the biscuits 009 add a compulsion potion to her glass.

Vernon bit a cookie, "I was thinking it might be a good idea to get the boy a membership to the local Y. It is 30 pounds a year for residents. It would keep him out from underfoot."

Petunia's eyebrows rose at the phrase get the boy, but by the time the word membership had fallen out of 'Vernon's' mouth the compulsion potion had begun its work. "I'll see to it tomorrow."

'Vernon' headed back to 'work'; Snape went back to the carpark at Grunnings. He retraced his footsteps to the restroom and waited to morph back into himself, then returned to the hotel.

009 cast a compulsion charm on the dozing Vernon. "You will be civil towards your nephew, you will be civil towards your nephew, you will..." A few memory charms later and Vernon remembered having lunch at the Italian restaurant then returning to work where his secretary told him he needed to pick up his nephew from the train station. He also remembered a modified version of the rest of 009's afternoon. Snape apparated the two of them to Dursley's vehicle then magicked some reviving potion into Vernon's gullet. Job done 009 vanished from sight.

* * *

I'm sorry to disappoint those who hoped for a father/son relationship with Snape and Harry. I enjoy reading those, but that is not what this will be. This is a Snape at his Slytherin, spy best taking care of the things he feels responsible for dealing with while maneuvering around the laws and regulations that Forbid him from solving the problems through a more direct route.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you think.


	11. A Letter for Mr Fuss

**Disclaimer**

This is fun to write, but I don't own any of it.

The _italics_ in this chapter is the letter.

* * *

**A Letter for Mr. Fuss**

**The Hogwarts Express**

The train was a different experience for Harry without Ron and Hermione. He had retrieved Hedwig from the owlery that morning. As he put her in her cage he remembered how awful it had been to have to feed her through the bars and to not be able to hold and pet her beautiful feathers the previous summer. How guilty he had felt that he couldn't let her out to fly. That wasn't going to happen again.

Harry searched the train until he found Lee Jordan. Since Jordan was best friends with the twins there was a good chance they had taught him how to picklocks.

"Hey Harry! What's up?" asked Jordan.

Harry looked around the compartment at the other fourth years. "Could I talk to you for a minute? Alone."

"Sure Harry." The two found an empty compartment. "What's going on?"

"The twins helped me with a lock once. The muggle way. I was wondering if they taught you how to picklocks and if so, could you teach me?" Harry looked hesitantly at Jordan.

Jordan smiled, "I was the one that taught them! Useful skill that. Do you have something we could use to practice on?"

Harry spent the next two hours learning and practicing how to picklocks. Jordan was entertaining to be around and he was a great teacher. Harry spent the rest of the ride playing Exploding Snap and chess with Jordan and his friends. He might as well have fun while he had the chance. Being at the Dursley's certainly wasn't going to be fun.

**The Train Station and Dinner**

Harry exited platform 9 and 3/4 to find Uncle Vernon waiting for him. "Here, I'll carry that." Harry jolted backward as his Uncle reached forward and took hold of Hedwig's cage. "You must be hungry after that ride. Where would you like to go? McDonald's, Taco Bell, Burger King?"

Harry just gawked and swiveled his head. Was someone watching them? Monitoring his Uncle's behavior? Causing him to be nice? This had to be a joke.

Vernon just turned and walked away carrying Hedwig. "Come along, the car is just over here." Vernon carefully put Hedwig's cage on the backseat. "Here, I'll put that in the boot for you." Vernon lifted Harry's trunk and put it in the boot. "So, what place did you decide on for dinner?"

Harry looked at his Uncle like he was insane. What was going on? His Uncle had never helped him with anything before and had certainly never offered him a choice of what to eat. On the rare occasion the Dursley's had brought home a hamburger from McDonald's for him, but he had never had French fries or Taco Bell. Harry decided to take advantage of his uncle's odd behavior while it lasted. "Could we get fries at McDonald's and the rest of the meal at Taco Bell?"

And that is what they did. The hot, crisp, salty fries were one of the best foods Harry had ever tasted. When he grew up he was going to eat McDonald's fries every week. At Taco Bell Harry ordered a burrito supreme and a Pepsi. The burrito burst with flavors and he loved how the Pepsi fizzed. Maybe he could start a petition to have fast food night at Hogwarts. Though, he'd have to find a way to get samples of the food to the pure bloods, other wise they would never sign. Maybe the twins could help.

**Privet Drive & A Letter for Mr. Fuss**

Vernon's politeness continued when they arrived at Privet Drive. He carried Harry's trunk up to his room while Harry carried Hedwig. "Good night Harry." Vernon exited the room, shutting the door, but not locking it. Harry flopped down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. What the hell was going on?

Harry heard a crinkling sound below the pillow, reached under and found a letter.

_Dear Mr. Fuss,_

_Your new wardrobe is in the drawer under your bed._

Harry stopped reading, leaned over the side of the bed and lifted the blanket. Sure enough, there was a drawer. Harry rolled to the floor and pulled it open. Inside he found t-shirts and jeans as well as socks and undergarments. Harry quickly pulled off Dudley's old shirt and his school slacks which he had been wearing. Harry put on the top shirt, a blue and green stripped one, and a pair of the jeans. Then he rushed into the loo to see himself in the mirror. Harry grinned. His first new clothes that weren't a school uniform! Harry tore through the rest of the clothes, trying on outfit after outfit and running to the mirror to see how they looked.

"What's that racket?" called Petunia, "If you don't stop running around up there I'll lock your door."

"I'll stop, Aunt Petunia. Sorry."

Harry went back to his room and quietly shut the door. At the back of the drawer Harry found a new pair of black pajama bottoms and a Star Wars shirt with Yoda on the front levitating Luke's x-wing. He put them on and then snuggled back on his bed to finish his letter. It felt so good to wear clothes that hadn't previously been worn by his cousin.

_There is a button on the side of the box. Press it to switch to the food section. You should find a menu inside. You now have an account with Edesia's Cafe Diem. You can order up to three meals a day, including a small desert with lunch and dinner._

Harry pressed the button and found the menu.

**Edesia's Cafe Diem**  
Please put a check next to the items you wish to order, then place the menu back in the drawer. We'll buzz you when it is ready.

_Tonight's Dinner Selections_  
Roast beef with potatoes and carrots  
Chicken soup and a roll  
Fried Cod with rice and broccoli

_Desserts_  
A brownie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and carmel topping  
Apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream

Harry put a check next to apple pie and put the menu in the box. Harry sat on the floor and waited. A few minutes later the box vibrated briefly and gave a slight buzz. Harry opened the drawer to find a slice of apple pie with lattice crust and a scoop of homemade vanilla ice cream. Harry savored every bite. When he finished he placed the used plate back in the drawer and shut it. He opened the drawer again and found the plate had vanished. He then pressed the button and checked the drawer again just to make sure his new clothes were still there.

Harry climbed back up on to the bed and continued his letter.

_New locks have been installed on your door. One makes it so if your relatives lock you in the door will seem locked from their side, but will still open from your side. The other will make it so you can lock your door to prevent others from entering. The key is in the pocket of one of your new pair of jeans._

This was something that needed to be tested. What if the writer of the letter was wrong and the Dursley's locks did still keep him in? Harry bite his lip and glanced at the door. Only one way to find out. Beside, if he did get locked in at least he had food this time and the ability to let Hedwig out.

Harry stepped into the hall and slammed his door. Then he jogged down to his cousin's room and opened and slammed it. Luckily Dudley was still at Smetlings. Next was the door to the guest room.

"That is it! Get in your room. This instant." Petunia marched up the stairs, took ahold of her nephew's arm and led him to his room. "Get in." She then bolted the door from the outside. Harry waited until Petunia's footsteps faded away, then he carefully turned the knob. The door opened! No more being locked in! He might still have to pretend to be locked in from time to time, but knowing that he could get out if he needed to made a huge difference.

Harry returned to the letter.

_Tomorrow your aunt will be taking you to the Y to get you a membership._

"Yeah, right!" thought Harry. Then he remembered his Uncle's odd behavior that evening, "Maybe?" considered Harry.

_If your parents were still alive they would have paid for you to participate in certain activities. I have left you a debit card for you to use. It is connected to your Gringotts vault. Pick two of the club activities offered by the gym and use the debit card to pay for them and any supplies you need for participating in the activities._

Harry wondered what kinds of activities the Y offered and if his aunt would actually get him a membership.

_If James were alive he would have spoiled you rotten. Lily was more sensible and would have limited your weekly allowance. _

Harry teared up and re-read those two lines several times. Information on his parents. He still knew so little about them that he cherished every ounce he discovered.

_I am setting your allowance at 12 pounds or 2 galleons, 1 sickle and 3 knuts a week. You can choose to spend your allowance or save it up to buy something more expensive. You may use the debit card for your allowance money but you will be held accountable for your savings and spendings. Use the grid on the back of this page to keep track of what you save and what you spend. _

_Do not fret over the money being used from your account. You are the sole survivor of the Potter line and its only inheritor. You have more money than you could find ways to spend, but you will not do so. I will not allow you to become a spoiled, arrogant twit._

_I expect a weekly letter informing me of your activities and expenditures. _

_Sincerely,_

_S.S._

It finally fully registered that it had been Snape that had done all this for him. Subconsciously he had already known, but he hadn't wanted to think too hard on it. It just didn't sit well that the bat of the dungeons was taking care of him. Getting paddled had hurt but had also made him feel for the first time like there was an adult that cared if he risked his life. The Dursley's never cared if he was in danger, in fact they probably hoped that some fatal accident would befall him. The professors at school actually gave him rewards each time he risked his life. Snape had been the only one to put his foot down and say you will not willingly endanger yourself. It felt good to know an adult cared if he lived even if his backside had paid dearly for it. Now that same man had seen to it that Harry had new clothes, plenty to eat, a way to get out of his room, an allowance and, presumably, a membership to the Y.

Harry sat reading and re-reading the letter. Then he took Hedwig out of her cage. "Hi girl. Things are looking up." Hedwig cooed while Harry gently ran his finger across her feathers.

* * *

Thank you to everyone who has favorited, followed, reviewed or simply read and enjoyed! Next chapter: A Trip to the Y


	12. A Trip to the Y

**A Trip to the Y**

"Boy! Put on your trainers and get down here." Petunia stood at the bottom of the steps impatiently searching through her purse for her keys. Harry thundered down the stairs and stood in front of his aunt.

Petunia turned and walked outside. Harry followed her and they both climbed in the car. Harry hoped they were going to the Y, but he didn't ask. He had learned years ago that his aunt didn't like him to ask questions. A few minutes later they pulled into the carpark outside the YMCA. Harry's heart skipped a beat, he really was going to get a membership!

The two walked indoors and Petunia approached the counter. "I need to get a membership for my nephew."

"Fill out this form." The man behind the desk handed her the paper work. Her lips pursed as she wrote down the name Harry Potter and her own name as his guardian. Harry's head was swiveling left and right looking at the pictures on the wall of people swimming, dribbling basketballs, swinging tennis rackets, leaping over hurdles.

Petunia finished the paper work and paid the fee. Then she turned to Harry and handed him his card. "You will spend your days here. You will not stay underfoot at the house. It is up to you to find your way here and your way home. Be home in time to make dinner." With that, Petunia turned and walked out of the building.

Harry felt both elated and a little afraid. He had never had so much freedom. He decided he would just wander the building until he found something that looked interesting.

The basketball court was the first thing that perked his interest. He dribbled the ball across the floor a few times and attempted to make a basket. "Hold it like this."

"Huh?"

"You hold it like this when you want to hit the basket."

Harry adjusted his hand position and shot the ball. It hit the rim and bounced off.

"Try again."

Harry tried again and sunk the ball,"Yes!"

"Do you want to play some one on one?" The two played for an hour, with Harry winning once and the other boy winning twice.

Harry began to wander again. He walked in to the pool room and was overwhelmed by the scent of bleach. Swimming looked like fun, but also a little scary. Maybe swimming lessons would be one of the activities he'd sign up for.

Racquet ball was fun, but after a few minutes he began using it as snitch catching practice, throwing the ball so it would bounce off walls then Harry would leap into the air to snatch it.

Harry ran a few laps on the track. "Race you." Another teen had come up beside him. The two lined up and took off! Harry beat the other boy by twelve seconds. "Man! Your fast! Do you want to go again?"

Harry watched the Judo class. They were teaching the students how to throw people to the ground and how to do arm locks. The idea of being able to defend himself during a physical attack intrigued him. He'd often been beaten up by Dudley and his gang and he had also run into more than his fair share of attacks at school. Judo lessons seemed like a good option for his second activity.

The Y even had a game room. Another boy had invited him to play Clue. A few other people joined them as well. "Was it Mr. Green in the study with the knife?"

They invited him to join in a round of bowling, but Harry checked the time. "I need to get home. Can we play tomorrow?"

"Sure. We bowl almost everyday."

Harry jogged home. He passed a garage sale on the way. They had a bike for sale for ten dollars! Harry ran two blocks back to the ATM machine outside the local bank and withdrew ten pounds of his allowance, then rushed back to the garage sale. "Sir, can I buy the bike?"

"Ten pounds."

Harry handed over the money. He attempted to ride the bike but fell over after a few feet. Harry flushed. "I've never ridden before."

"Well, why don't I give you a start." The man held the back of the bike while Harry wobbled forward. After thirty feet he let go and Harry continued on with a great big grin on his face. Harry zoomed around a couple of blocks. His grumbling stomach reminded him that he was supposed to make dinner. Harry stashed his new bike behind Mrs. Figg's house and ran the last block home.

"I'm back," Harry called out.

"No yelling," his aunt responded, "get started on dinner." Harry made a baked chicken with mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese as sides. His stomach growled as he cooked. Tomorrow he'd have to remember to order a lunch from Edesia's to take with him when he went to the Y.


	13. Letters

**Letters**

The castle had been empty for three days. It had been decided that no action would be taken against Slytherin's monster until the petrified people were revived. That way they would have more information to go on before they acted. The mandrake root was still a few weeks away from being useable.

009 had used the available time to put into action Operation: Replace Idiots; Mission: History is a Snore. The picture he had drawn was becoming reality. It had taken some finagling to modify the howlers, but the results would be worth it. By the time the last owl left the owlery he felt more like Cliff Clavin than 009. Cliff needed a night at the pub. Too bad it was 6:00 in the morning.

* * *

An owl glided through Lucius's window and dropped a letter on the table. The letter sprung up into the air and a low drowning voice emerged...

_On the eighth of February 1453 Edwin the Eld walked to Eltville. 683 goblins followed him. The group dug holes. Each goblin sat in a hole. Each goblin held a spear. They waited for the goblin's of Eltville to come out. The Eltville goblins came out. They carried torches. Edwin's goblins pierced the Eltville goblins with their spears. The Eltville goblins dropped their torches. More of Edwin's goblins died than Eltville's._

_On the ninth of February 1453 each group picked up the dead from their group and carried the bodies away._

_On the tenth of February 1453..._

Lucius snatched the letter from the air and unfolded it.

Dear Parent or Guardian,

You have been listening to a lecture by Professor Binn's, Hogwarts teacher of Magical History. If you are enjoying the lecture please put a check next to No, Hogwart's does not need a new history teach. By checking no you can continue to enjoy many hours of lectures by Professor Binn's as the howler has been modified to play continuously. If you feel Hogwarts does need a new history professor please check yes and sign your name. This will cause the lecture to cease. If you feel you would be a good replacement professor please use this modified howler paper to record your own version of the lecture you have just heard.

Lectures should be addressed to Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall. Signatures and checks on the petition will automatically be recorded.

Awaiting your replies,

Sincerely,

A Concerned Member of the British Wizarding Society

Many witches and wizards checked yes and signed immediately. A few fell asleep in their porridge and didn't sign until some other need aroused them from their slumber. The only no's came from the mothers of young children. Binn's lectures were a very valuable tool for getting babies to take a nap.

* * *

Dear S.S.,

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The clothes fit perfect! I take a lunch from Edesia's with me to the Y each day.

I've been to the Y three times. I've played basketball, ran races and lifted weights. There are a group of people my age that come by everyday after school. We play board games and they have been teaching me how to bowl. I had my first swimming lesson today. That was one of the classes I decided to sign up for. I had never been in a pool before today, but there is no need for you to count that as dangerous because I didn't go in by myself. There were teachers there helping us. I've also signed up for Judo lessons.

Aunt Petunia said I had to find my own way to and from the Y so I used my allowance to buy a bike at a garage sale. The bike was ten pounds, but the lock for it cost more than two pounds, but since I needed it to be able to go the gym I wrote it down as a necessary gym expenses to do the activities you told me to do rather than as an allowance expense.

How is Hermione? Has she been unpetrified yet?

I've got to go. Aunt Petunia wants me to mow the lawn.

Thanks again!

Mr. Fuss

**Expenses**  
Swimming Lessons £30 for ten lessons.  
Swim trunks £8  
Towel£4.30  
Judo Lessons £25 for ten lessons.  
Judo uniform £40  
Bike chain £4  
Lock for locker £3.60

**Allowance Expenses**  
Bike £10  
Savings £2

* * *

Hi Harry,

Are you doing okay at the Dursley's? We'll come rescue you again if you need us to. Can you believe that stinking bat? Dropping me off at the Burrow and convincing mum to get everyone she knows to take their kids out of Hogwarts.

Ginny freaked out over some diary she left at school. She actually tried to take the floo back to school! Mum stopped her though. Ginny threw a right tantrum after that. What's so important about a stupid diary?

Write soon.

Ron

* * *

Attention: Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall:

Here is my improved version of the lecture provided by Professor Binns that was recently delivered to my home.

There was a nip to the air on the evening of the eight of February 1453. 683 goblins crept through the shadows following their fearless leader, Edwin the Eld. The plan was to surprise their enemy from below. In the dead of the night they dug their holes. 673 goblins hid in the holes while ten others camouflaged each hole with leaves and branches. Those not in holes hid in the trees, ready to give the signal noise once the enemy approached.

All was going to plan. The Eltville goblins set out just before day break,using torches to light their way as they headed to where they believed the battle would take place. Edwin the Eld signaled his men to attack. Spears pierced through the camouflage stabbing unsuspecting Eltville goblins in the groin, feet and legs.

But here is where their perceived genius fell to pieces. With each stab a torch was dropped. Soon the field and former camouflage was ablaze. The holes were too deep for many of the goblins to escape from. Goblins from both sides turned to ash. When the fire finally died down on the ninth there were few bodies left to gather. Eltville claimed victory since more of their clan survived, but neither clan truly won because neither achieved their goal: to lay claim to any money made from the use of the Gutenberg press.

I am available for interview at your convince.

Sincerely,

P. Stewart

* * *

Dear Mr. Fuss,

I approve of your expenditures. You are correct in thinking you are not allowed to swim on your own until you have become a proficient swimmer.

Ms. Granger is yet petrified. The mandrake root should be ready in a few weeks.

Regards,

S.S.

* * *

Hi Ron,

I am at the Dursley's, but it isn't so bad this time. I have a membership to the Y. It's this place where you can go to play basketball, swim, lift weights, play racquet ball and other sports. It even has a game room with bowling and board games like Clue and Monopoly!

Hmm...there are probably things I just mentioned that you don't know about. Just think of it as a place where you can go to play sports and games.

That's really strange about your sister. She's always so quiet. I can't imagine her throwing a tantrum. But, if it is the diary I think it is it is a good thing your mum stopped her. It was a diary that told me that Hagrid was the one to let the monster out.

I hope 'Mione will be okay. Have you heard anything yet about exactly when they will be unpetrified?

I don't need a rescue at the moment, but I'll let you know if things change.

It'd be great if you could come to the Y sometime. Is Ottery Saint Catchpole anywhere near Surrey?

Keep in touch,

Harry


	14. Battle for Competency: Deception Phase

_Slow, dark tones play (Forbidden's theme music)..._

_Previously on Forbidden..._

A mug of coffee sat cooling by double o'nine's arm as his brush flicked across the page. "Grand Prize Valued at 30,000 Galleons" headlined a stencil of the Daily Profit. By its side was a sketch of a scroll containing a detailed image of Hogwarts' crest, the final detail of which had just been laid with the brush.

* * *

_And now on Forbidden..._

**Operation: Replace Idiots:  
Mission: The Battle for Competency  
Deception Phase**

* * *

"This has just come in for you. It seems some of your fan..." Snape's lip curled back, "mail was held in reserve for you until the term ended. Since the school is temporarily closed the letters have been released for your perusal."

Lockhart beamed. He practically bounced. Snape imagined a three year old struggling not to bounce out of their chair when it came time to open birthday presents.

"Why Severus, thank you for delivering these! Whatever can I do to repay you for bringing these to my office?"

Snape sarcastically replied, "If I could have but one hair from your golden flocks."

To his apparent shock the other man reached up and tugged out a few hairs, "Here Severus. Have three!" Severus sneered, but snatched the hairs from the man's hand then turned and left the office.

009 smirked as he headed back down the stairs. It took so little to strum some guitars. Then he grimaced. Writing a few hundred 'fan' letters to the ponce while pretending to be love struck admirers didn't even rate close to strumming a guitar, more like attempting to play every instrument in an orchestra simultaneously. One of the letters scripted by 009 floated into his mind.

_Hi Handsome,_

_You were so amazing in Year With the Yeti. I imagine you are still chilled from spending so long in the cold. If you ever need to be warmed up you are always welcome to drop by. My address is 376 Robinson Ln. Birchwood Downs._

_Hoping to see you soon!_

_Alexi Haverston_

Snape shivered in disgust. But it had gotten him what he needed, some of Lockhart's hair and time to pretend to be him as the peacock would be ensconced in his office pouring over fan mail for the next many hours. Snape made his way to the outer edge of the apparition wards, 009 placed the hairs in the vial and Lockhart apparated away to the Daily Prophet.

"Good afternoon Madame," 'Lockhart' grinned at the woman behind the desk. "I must speak with Rita. I have a once in a life time story for her."

* * *

The next morning the following article was splashed across the front page of the Daily Prophet along with a giant picture of a grinning Lockhart.

**Grand Prize Valued at 30,000 Galleons!**

**Lockhart Challenges the General Public to a Competition!**

All adult witches and wizards are invited to compete in a Defense Against the Dark Arts Competition this Saturday at Flagrate Field. Contestants will need to arrive by 10:00 AM to complete the registration paper work. Only 50 applicants will be allowed to compete. If you wish to participate please sign your name on the space provided. You will be notified by owl if you have been approved as an applicant.

* * *

_The following morning..._

Snape entered the Great Hall to find an overflowing pile of mail at his usual seat. Snape opened one of the letters and turned crimson.

_Dear Voyager,_

_I would gladly sail away with you. Could we perhaps..._

It seemed there had been a flaw in his plan. Since none of the 'people' that sent fan mail to Lockhart really existed the clever owls had delivered Lockhart's responses to the actual author of the letters.

Snape pointed his wand at the pile just as a snowy owl swooped low and added another to the mound. S.S. snagged the envelope and then proceeded to incideo the rest.

"Wasn't that Potter's owl?" McGonnagal looked questioningly at Snape. "Why would Potter be writing to you? And what is with all the letters this morning?"

"I put Potter on restriction just prior to the students leaving. As part of his punishment he is to keep me informed of his activities. The rest of the letters were mistakenly delivered."

McGonagall rolled her eyes. "Why won't you leave that poor boy alone?"

"If left to his own devises he finds ways to risk his life every five minutes. It's like he has a goal to see how many dangerous situations he can survive."

McGonagall sighed, "Are you real going to claim there was no logic behind you receiving more than one hundred letters this morning."

Snape glared at her, "It was a mistake that has a been corrected. I believe I've lost my appetite." Snape turned and glided out of the room.

* * *

Back in his quarters he opened Potter's missive. The third in a week. Could the boy not count? He had clearly stated that he was to report in once a week.

_Dear S.S.,_

_I can swim across the pool! I've learned the breast stroke, the back stroke and even how to swim underwater! They had us practice diving today! I'm not very good at it yet. I haven't swum on my own, only during class time. But the Y has full time lifeguards so that should mean I can swim anytime, right? _

_I scored an 87 on bowling today, which is a huge improvement from the first time I played and only scored a 43. The other kids I'm playing with though are much better. They always seem to score over 100. I may practice on my own tomorrow to try to improve, but it just isn't as much fun playing on your own, you know?_

_We learned how to redirect a punch and throw a person to the ground in Judo today. I can't wait to try it out on Dudley!_

_I have no new expenses to report. What day do I receive my allowance on? I'm not sure when to add the new money to the ledger._

_Any news on Hermione?_

_Regards,_

_Mr. Fuss_

S.S. read the letter then composed a response.

* * *

A few hours later Harry sat in his room reading the letter that had been delivered.

_Dear Mr. Fuss,_

_Until you learn to dive properly you are not allowed in the deep end other than during class time. You may swim in the shallow end if a lifeguard is on duty. _

_You may want to focus on keeping your wrist straight before releasing the ball._

_Your cousin punches you? Is he currently residing at the Dursley's?_

_You may add your allowance money to the ledger each Friday morning. _

_The mandrake roots are still several days from being ready._

_Regards, _

_S.S._

Harry had a warm glow as he read the letter over. Snape cared that his cousin punches him! He really wanted to play in the deep end. But even more so he wanted this feeling of having someone who cared if the choices he made were safe choices to make. Harry crafted his reply as he finished the last of his chicken soup and ham sandwich from Edesia's and the banana he had obtained from the house elves. Spending time at the Y had really increased his appetite.

_Dear S.S.,_

_Dudley is boarding at Smeltings. He won't be back until summer vacation._

_Thanks for the advice on the bowling, I'll try it tomorrow. I'll let you know when I am a proficient diver._

_Sincerely,_

_Mr. Fuss_

Expense Ledger  
No new expenses.  
Savings 14£

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

009 cast spells upon himself altering his appearance. It was simpler for metamorphmagus to do such things, but still possible for the skilled witch or wizard.

With a flick of his wand his eyes turned blue. Another flick and his hair shortened and lightened in color. A few more modifications were made to his height and facial structure, then Hermes DeMetis was ready to go out and collect some vital signatures.

DeMetis knocked on the door of Deputy Headmistress McGonagall.

McGonagall got up from her desk and opened the door. "May I help you?"

"I am Hermes DeMetis with Magical Games and Sports. I am here for your signature. A professor at this school is to participate in a Dark Arts competition this Saturday. As his employer you are required to sign various forms in regards to the contest."

"Well, come in then. I saw the article this morning. Nothing more than a publicity stunt if you ask me." McGonagall began to mutter, "That man would likely run in terror if he came upon a puffskein. Maybe one of the duelers will take him out and we'll be well shot of him." Louder she spoke, "Let me see the paper work."

McGonagall began to peruse the paper work, but her eyes soon became weary of the many pages of fine print. She finally gave up reading the tiny print and just began signing on each provided line. She then imprinted the Hogwarts Seal on the final page.

"There you are, Mr. DeMetis was it?"

"Thank you. I will be on my way." With that, 009 left the office.

* * *

His next stop was Lockhart's office. Hermes knocked. He waited, then knocked again. When no response came he opened the door slightly and peered in.

Lockhart was beaming at his photograph on the front cover of the Daily Prophet. Snape wondered how long the man had been frozen in his glazed over stupor.

"Ahem." Hermes entered the room. "That is quite a competition you started."

"Competition? What competition?" Gilderoy continued to gaze fondly at his photo. This was sure to generate another bag of fan mail and increase book sales.

"For this Saturday. You are supposed to be there signing autographs."

"I am?!" the man who had entered finally had Gilderoy's attention. Lockhart grinned brightly, the glare practically bounced off his teeth. Probably, he found a charm to make his teeth do that. "I must prepare. Ah, here is my box of photos," Gilderoy stated as he pulled a large box from a drawer to his left. "I wonder if Flourish and Blotts would be willing to setup a display to sell books?"

009 continued, "I am here to collect your signature, verifying your participation."

"Hhhmm?" responded Lockhart as he shifted through his photos, looking at each lovingly.

"Your autograph. I require your autograph."

"Autograph? Yes of course dear sir. Would you like it on one of these? This is one of my best shots. It shows me in front of the Palace. Well, of course this one of me by the Forbidden Forest is quite good too."

"On here will suffice," stated Hermes DeMetis.

Lockhart signed the document, hardly giving it a glance, even when his signature flashed on the legally binding contract.

"Good day Mr. Lockhart and good luck with the competition."

009 turned and exited the office. As he left he heard Lockhart mumble, "Competition? What competition?"

* * *

**Background Information**  
Hermes is the Greek god of boundaries, travel, communication, trade, thievery, trickery, language, writing, diplomacy, athletics, and animal husbandry.

Metis is the titan of good counsel, advice, planning, cunning, craftiness, and wisdom and is the mother of Athena, the god of war.

DeMetis implies that this is a descendant of Metis.

Disclosure: I own nothing.


	15. Battle for Competency: Competition Phase

**Battle for Competency: Preparations**

Snape sat at his desk reading the names on the magical scroll that increased in length each time someone signed the line on the Daily Prophet article. He had spent the last many hours crossing out the names of those he didn't know and circling the ones he considered to be semi competent. In his mind none of these people were fully competent, but there were a few names he had circled that he thought could do the job reasonably well.

Exhausted, and with many names left to go through and a mere 23 on his list, he called out, "Dizzy, Fazzle." Two elves popped into the room.

"You called, sir?" The two elves responded.

"You have both been here for many years, yes?"

"I be being here for 114 years sir, and Dizzy being here 132!"

"That should do. I would like you to go through this and circle the names of people you think would be good defense instructors. Once you have 27 circled names you may stop. Write the names you circled on this list then owl a copy of this acceptance letter to everyone on the list."

"That be putting a lot of trust in house elves sir."

"We be doing our best sir!" With that, the two disappeared with the list.

* * *

The two elves sat ensconced at a table making occasional comments such as...

"Not him, he pulled Dizzy's ears."

"That one would do. He rescued Fazzle when a scary thing that came out of a cupboard."

"She protected McKinnen when McKinnen be being bullied."

and on and on they went, crossing out names and circling the names of the ones they had seen help others out of scary situations.

Little did Snape realize that by enlisting the elves help he was dooming himself to spending several years working along side someone he hates.

* * *

**Battle for Competency: Competition Phase**

**Flaggrate Field**

Saturday morning arrived. Hermes DeMetis (AKA 009) sat at the registration table hassling the entrants.

"If you're not interested in the prize then don't sign."

"Why should I have to sign a contract?"

"The prize is worth 30,000 galleons. Of course there is a contract."

"But what does it say? What is the prize?" whined the contestant.

"If you are incapable of reading perhaps you shouldn't participate in this competition," replied Hermes with a raised brow.

The man grumbled and walked away. A few others did likewise, as they were equally unwilling to read or sign something they hadn't read. The majority, however, were too enamored with the value of the prize to care what was on the contract.

* * *

**The Competition Begins**

Forty-five of the forty-six contestant that had signed the contract were lined up for the start of the competition. Hermes grabbed hold of Lockhart's arm and began to haul him away from where he had been hawking books, smiling for cameras and signing every piece of paper in sight. "Stand here," demanded Hermes.

"Are we taking a group picture?" questioned Lockhart. Snape just rolled his eyes and walked away.

"For the first phase of the competition each of you will be hunting another competitor."

The eyes of some of the more dangerous competitors brightened at this, they had joined the competition for the chance to use dark spells without getting in trouble with the ministry. This was a dark arts competition after all! They must be allowed to use dark spells, right?

Hermes waved his wand and a number appeared on each competitors back; a second swish and each competitor held a small piece of paper in their hand with a number written upon it. The papers disintegrated moments later. "Hunting someone other than the person assigned to you will result in immediate disqualification." This incited groans of disappointment from a few of the competitors. "Once you have eliminated one competitor a new number will appear in your hand. Phase One will end when twenty competitors remain. Begin," intoned DeMetis.

Some of the competitors proved to be idiots, as they casually walked around looking at the numbers on other's backs as though they were socializing at a party. Many of those idiots collapsed within one minute. The more intelligent ones took cover or disillusioned themselves, then quietly snuck about looking for their prey while keeping an eye out for their predators. A few ignored the rules and just randomly began cursing anyone they could see. The rule beakers quickly found themselves in a body bind and lifted from the field and portkeyed away.

Number 32 used his senses, and hiding position behind a tree, to his advantage. He spied his prey from a distance, then used his superior hearing and scent to identify the location of his stalker. As he could only directly attack his prey he transfigured the spines on pine cones into sharp blades and surround himself with them. There was a scent in the air of prey. A flick of his wand and he had his prey firmly glued to a tree with the tree's own sap. One swish turned the goo into solid amber incasing the prey and their wand. A step and a scream was heard behind him as his stalker's foot landed on the sharp, bladed pine cones. Number 32 disillusioned himself and snuck away, in search of his next victim.

When a horn signaled the end of phase one Lockhart was found cowering behind his sales table. Since the table was not considered out of bounds Lockhart pompously made his way to the group moving on to Phase Two. "One of the best tactics can be to simply know how to stay out of dangers way." Lockhart grinned as he posed for a photo.

* * *

The twenty remaining competitors gathered round Hermes near the edge of the woods. "For phase two you each will be given a list of three potentially dangerous, magical creatures that exist in this woods. It is your job to subdue and retrieve one of the creatures on your list. Do not harm any creatures. Protect yourself, defend yourself as needed, but injuring any of the creatures will result in disqualification. The first ten competitors to complete the task will move on to phase three.

Ron would recognize the creatures on some of the competitors list: red caps, flesh eating slugs, lithifolds, and blood sucking bearbug.

Number 18 captured a cockatrice, which can petrify a person. First he cast augmenti on the ground creating a mud hole. Then he cast a bird call charm to attract the cockatrice. Once the cockatrice was standing in the mud he cast heat and pressure charms, changing the mud to rock around the cockatrice feet. It seemed just to use rock to capture the creature that changes it's enemies into rock. Then he approached it from behind and cast a stunning charm.

Number 3 captured a flesh eating slug by retrieving fish from a stream and laying them out on the ground. She then hid on a tree branch and waited for the slugs to consume the fish, which they did. Violently. She stunned one of the slugs, and levitated it into here handbag. 30,000 galleons was worth sacrificing a handbag.

Number 32 captured a northern lethifold by pretending to be asleep in a cave. The wizard in question laid in wait. As the lethifold flowed closer the wizard cast a net shield over the opening of the cave then cast a patronus at the lethifold. The lethifold fled toward the cave opening and was trapped in the shield net.

Number 16 captured a mackled malaclaw, but was bit by it which resulted in a week's worth of bad luck, beginning with slipping on a wet stone and getting mud all over his new robes and ending with an argument with his wife that left him sleeping alone on the couch for several nights.

Number 7 captured a blood sucking bugbear by enlisting the help of his nephew and niece. The two had been bickering all day. All he had to do was lead them twenty feet into the woods and let them be themselves... "Give me my doll." "I don't have your doll snake breath." "Do to snot nose." Then the pushing and shoving started. Forty seconds later the wizard had his bugbear and was ushering his sisters children out of the woods.

The red caps attacked Number 43 from the upper edge of the last remaining wall of an old battlement. A rock struck his head and he dropped to one knee. Another red cap ran up to the wizard and with teeth barred swiped his hand across the wizards bloody forehead and smeared the blood across his own head. The wizard cast a jelli leg jinx on the four foot tall creature and then quickly bagged the flopping being.

Lockhart, who had finally caught on that he was in a competition used a memory charm on another competitor, stole the mackled malaclaw and delivered it to Hermes. Double o'nine glared at Lockhart but accepted the creature. Snape was not pleased. Lockhart wasn't supposed to make it this far.

A kelpie, graphorn and an ashwinder were also captured. Ten people were eliminated for either delivering their creature too late or failing to obtain one completely.

* * *

"Phase Three," Hermes spoke to the remaining witches and wizards, "Is about recognizing and explaining how to defend against different dark spells." A Jeopardy style board materialized behind DeMetis. "The top three point earners will move on to the final round." DeMetis went on to explain the rules of Jeopardy to the pure-bloods that remained, not disclosing that it was a muggle game. Meanwhile, a few of the less pure competitors tried their best to hold in their snickers at the supposedly superior pure-bloods who seemed quite intrigued by the game. Finally, round three began.

"Number 18, as first back you get first choice. Competitors, buzz in when you know the answer," recited Alex (AKA: Hermes DeMetis, AKA 009, AKA Snape).

"I'll take jinxes for 300."

"This jinx produces purple light and causes pustules."

"Lockhart," gritted Hermes at the sound of the buzzer.

"What is conjunctus? It can be countered with a dejunctus," grinned the former Ravenclaw. He may not be able to perform spells worth a knut, but like any Ravenclaw he was well studied in the names and descriptions of spells.

"Correct," stated a pissed off Snape.

"Curses for 400."

"This curse causes hags to look attractive to the person it was cast on."

A women competitor huffed, but answered none the less.

And so the competition continued. In the end, Lockhart, Wizard number 32 and Witch number 3 moved on to the final round.

* * *

"For your final challenge you will enter one of those three structures and defend yourself against what you find inside. The competitor that best deals with what they find and comes out with the fewest injuries will win the competition and the prize valued at 30,000 galleons."

The three remaining competitors each entered one of the three dilapidated structures through a different location, either door, basement hatch, or broken window. They were each met with an unexpected site: animal inferi. One met with a inferi grizzly bear, another was set upon by rabid raccoon inferi, a third was attacked by inferi fire salamanders. The one who met with the cantankerous bear fled the scene. The competitor set upon by a gaze of raccoon inferi set them ablaze, but the wooden structure burned as well and the witch escaped, but sported many burns.

The final competitor had the greatest challenge to deal with. Inferi flee from light, while fire salamanders crave flames. Still, his first instinct was to react to them as though they were only the prior, not the secondary. First he cast a shield charm on the structure so it wouldn't burn along with the inferi, then he cast the flame. The fire salamander quickly multiplied in number until there was a swarm. Realizing his mistake he dowsed the flames and instead conjured sunglasses then cast the brightest light he was capable of. Each salamander scurried to any crevasse and crack they could fit into. The wizard sealed each space as the creatures disappeared within.

Lupin emerged from the structure the victor of the competition.

Snape fumed. His own machinations had caused the wolf to become the Defense Professor of Hogwarts for the next three years.

The fine print on the contract each competitor and McGonnagall had signed included:

_The victor of the Dark Arts Competition will be paid a salary of 10,000 galleons plus room and board, annually for a minimum of three years in return for services as the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

Lupin was so grateful upon finding out what the prize was that he hugged a steaming 009 and was nearly burned by the heat rolling off the man.

* * *

Lockhart had fled via disapperation, this left him with the ability to spin a tale for his adoring public, "Just as I entered the structure I was signaled by the Howardsville Mayor that their town was in danger. I once rescued their people from a dragon. They gave me a pennant that would vibrate if ever they were in danger again. I had no choice but to do my duty and leave the competition to help the citizens of Howardsville."

* * *

I used information from the HP Lexicon Bestiary to help me decide which creatures to use and how best to capture each.


	16. Communications

**Communications**

* * *

The Daily Profit

**Dark Arts Competition's Shocking 30,000 Galleon Valued Prize!**

Minerva McGonagall, Hogwarts current acting Headmistress signed off on the Dark Arts Competition prize, which isn't a prize at all, but a three year contract as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor! The new teaching position was won by Remus J. Lupin.

When asked if he was disappointed that the prize was a job and not a valuable object Lupin responded to reporters: "I am in no way disappointed. I am thrilled at the opportunity! I have so much information to pass on to the students and I look forward to the challenge of teaching them new spells."

One contestant who did not win had this to say, "I am relieved that I didn't win. I can't imagine having to spend everyday with hundreds of hormonal teens. Just my two sons during the summer is more than I care to handle."

Another said, "I had my head bloodied by a red cap for this! What the !$^..." The rest of his rant is unprintable.

In another surprise twist, those that used illegal spells during the competition were put in body binds and whisked away from Flaggrate Field via portkey and straight into the office of the head of the Auror Department. The portkey was a slab of rock with the words, "Check my wand for recent spells," carved into the top. Each also arrived with a copy of the contract they had signed. Four arrests were made as a result of the findings.

Hermes DeMetis would like to remind the public that all those involved in the competition were given the opportunity to read the contract before signing. Had they bothered to do so they would have been aware of what the prize was and the consequences of using dark curses prior to signing.

_Article Contributed by L. Grant_

* * *

Below the article was a moving photo that showed a hand flipping between the front and back of a contract with a lot of fine print. One side was signed Remus John Lupin and the other said Acting Headmistress Minerva McGonagall, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. A few lines of the contract were magically magnified: By signing this contract you agree that the winner of the Dark Arts Competition will work as the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor at Hogwarts for a minimum of three years, beginning immediately after the competition ends.

* * *

McGonagall shoved the paper in front of Severus, "Have you read this?"

Snape raised an eyebrow at her, then looked at the paper and scowled, "You hired Lupin? The halls will be running rampant with wolves within six months."

"Severus, Lupin's never bit anyone. He's a nice man. Leave him be."

Severus just shrugged.

"Actually, I'm as surprised as you are," stated McGonagall.

Snape scrunched his forehead and looked at her. "Why would you be surprised?"

"I didn't actually read that paper work. That DiMetis fellow just said I needed to sign so Lockhart could participate. I hoped that something would happen to him that would prevent him from coming back, not serious mind you, just something to stop him from working here. Well it looks like I got my wish, and good riddance. Lupin will be a much better teacher than Lockhart."

Snape turned to Minevra and raised a brow, "I thought Sybil was the one that par takes of the bottle too early in the day. He'll probably teach them nothing but pranks." Snape decided to change the subject, "The mandrake potion will be ready this afternoon. Arrangements need to be made to send the students home when they awaken. We'll need to question them before they go to help us determine the cause. I have things I need to see to before then." Lou Grant took the paper with him as he rose from the table. It was his first newspaper article and as such it should be preserved, even if he was the only one who ever knew he had written it.

Adding the four death eaters to the list of competitors had been one of 009's more brilliant ideas. He knew they would be unable to resist using dark curses. The Auror Department and court were forced to take action, what with the stipulation in the magically binding contract informing the competitors (had they bothered to read) that the use of dark curses in this competition would result in the competitor agreeing to accept the fullest punishment available for all crimes committed during the competition.

* * *

The mandrake potion was administered and the patients awoke. Most were groggy, surprised to find themselves in the hospital wing and bewildered by how much time they had lost.

One patient knew exactly where she was and immediately began an inquiry. "Did you find the basilisk? Has it been killed? Have you found the chamber yet? I believe I know where the opening is." Hermione's wide brown eyes blinked at Snape as she waited for a response.

"Basilisk?"

"Oh dear! No one has been killed have they? Here, this tells everything about the basilisk." Hermione thrust the paper that had been scrunched in her palm at Snape. "Harry has been hearing it talk about killing things for months but he didn't tell anyone because he didn't want to be accused of being crazy for hearing voices that no one else could. Where is Harry? Where's Ron?"

"The school has been closed and the students sent home. No one has died. Where is it you believe the Chamber to be?"

"Myrtles bathroom. We should get a rooster then go there straight away." The young girl hopped down from the hospital bed and started to head for the door.

"No, Mrs. Granger. You will be going home. I will see to the Chamber business."

"But..."

"Stick to your books Ms. Granger. Leave the dangerous task to those with more experience and skill."

Hermione crossed her arms and pouted a little bit, then sighed. It wasn't so much the Gryfindor bravery thing, more that she liked to follow through on what she started and not being able to finish this rubbed her wrong. On the other hand, the absence of her two best friends made it much easier for her to allow an adult to take over and deal with this.

"Professor McGonagall will be here in an hour to take you home. Use that time to par take of the meal being provided and to write to your friends. Do not go to the owlery. Leave the letters here. I will see that they are delivered."

Hermione found Professor Snape's willingness to deliver letters for her to be odd, but responded with, "Yes sir," none the less.

* * *

_Dear Harry,_

_I was given the mandrake potion about an hour ago. Professor McGonnagall is supposed to be coming to take me home in a few minutes. I wonder if she will let me have time to get the homework for the classes I slept through? I have so much to catch up on. Do you think they will extend the school year further into the summer due the school being closed now?_

_Are you doing okay at the Dursley's? If you send Hedwig to my home I'll send her back with some snacks. _

_Hope you are well,_

_Hermione_

_P.S. Professor Snape said he'd deal with the Basilisk._

* * *

Dear Ron,

_How are you? How are things at the Burrow? Don't spend all day, everyday playing quiditch and chess. If the school year ends at the normal time in June then we'll be short several weeks of education so it is very important that we each keep up with our studies while the school is closed._

_Oh, by the way, Professor Snape just administered the mandrake potion to us an hour ago. I told him all about the basilisk and he is going to take care of it._

_I must go. Professor McGonagall is here to take me home._

_Write soon._

_Hermione_

* * *

Dear Hermione,

_I'm glad to hear you are well. I appreciate you are willing to send me snacks. It is one of the nicest things anyone has offered to do for me. Professor Snape already arranged to ensure I have plenty to eat. He picked up this really cool box for me! It's connected to a wizard restaurant. All I have to do is put a check next to the items I want and a few minutes later they appear in the box! Magic is so cool!_

_By the way what is a Basilisk?_

_Harry_

* * *

Dear Hermione,

_A basilisk! What basilisk!? You trusted that dirty snake! Snakes cannot be trusted._

_Ron_

* * *

**Duplicate letters:**

_Dear Harry/Ron_

_I can't believe I forgot I had never told you about the basilisk. That is what you/Harry have/has been hearing all year. It is a giant snake that hatches from a chickens egg sat upon by a toad. They can live hundreds of years and get big enough to eat people. Their fangs contain a deadly poison. If a basilisk looks you in the eye you'll die instantly. But, it seems that if it sees a reflection of you it turns you into stone instead. I wonder if basilisk are related to Medusa's snakes. I'll have to do some research on that._

_Hermione_

* * *

Snape's hand flew across the page as he sketched out his next goal: basilisk death. Snape knew the chit was likely right about the basilisk. She was right about everything. But he couldn't openly let others know he was using her information. He could already imagine the wolf smiling at him and acknowledging, "I'm glad you've come to terms with Gryffindors helping you. Perhaps I could assist you some evening with making potions for the hospital wing." Shudder the thought.

He drew a £ symbol since he would need funds to buy roosters. Actually, the page contained several £ symbols, but most were floating above different valuable parts of the dead snake. 'But how to make it seem I got the information from a non-Gryfindor source, or at least not from the know it all' pondered Snape.

Serendipity was at hand. Hedwig pecked at the door until Snape flung it open and peered down at the bird. Hedwig lifted her leg and Snape retrieved the letter.

_Dear S.,_

_I just received Hermione's letter telling me she was better. Thanks for owling it by the way. She sent a second one and told me about the basilisk and that I wasn't crazy because I wasn't hearing voices in my head, I was hearing parseltongue! You can't believe what a relief it is to know I'm not nuts. Anyway, she said you were going after the snake and I thought it might be helpful for you to know that I originally learned about Hagrid and the Chamber from Tom Riddle's Diary._

The coffee Snape had been drinking spewed across the table, staining the pictures he had been working on. He need to teach that little runt a lesson about keeping his nose away from dangerous information. Him and his two friends. In the name of Merlin how did Potter manage to get his hands on Voldemort's diary? Snape sped through the rest of the letter.

_Since Haggrid didn't open the Chamber I think Tom must've been setting Haggrid up. Tom seemed pretty willing to chat, so you might be able to get more information from him if you get the diary and write in it._

What did the brat mean, Tom was willing to chat?

_I think Ginny was the last to have it. In any case, Ron said that Ginny tried to sneak back to the castle to get a diary and threw a real tanty when her mum stopped her. Talking with Tom can be kind of addictive. _

"Don't I know it," thought Snape. The man was the ultimate Slytherin. Able to weave any tale, promise the unimaginable and enchant anyone into believing that by joining him all wrongs could be righted. It isn't 'till after the seduction phase and you become branded as his slave and begin to do his bidding that you realize those promise he made are nothing more than misty fog that disappears with the sun. For some, the cloud never rises and they thrive in its cold chill as they devise the destruction of those they despise.

_The diary is probably somewhere in Gryffindor tower. If you want I can come help you find it, then I'll be there if you need me to speak parseltongue to the snake._

_Regards,  
H._

_Expenses:  
McDonald's fries: £1.70  
Savings: £12.30_

_P.S. I wish we could have fast food night at Hogwarts._

Snape snapped up a piece of parchment. Hadn't he already punished the child for acting rashly and putting himself in danger? Now he's suggesting that he come back to the castle and help fight a basilisk?! Knowing Potter's penchant for seeking out trouble he was probably already sneaking on a bus to make his way to Kings Cross. This needed to be dealt with immediately.

* * *

Snape signed the letter, threw floo powder into the flames and stepped into Edesia's. Snape stormed up to the counter. "Put this in drawer 138"

"Sir, the post owls are two blocks down. I'm sure they'd be willing to send your letter."

Snape glared. "Perkins isn't it. Your sister is in fifth year correct?"

"Yes sir." The now timid man replied. Perkins was a few years younger than Snape. He knew Snape by reputation, but had lucked out in never having had the man as a teacher.

"Right on the cusp of passing or...failing potions."

"Let me take care of that for you sir. Which box did you say?"

"1 3 8," Snape annunciated clearly. "I'll be waiting for a reply."

* * *

Harry heard a buzzing sound coming from his food drawer. He hadn't ordered anything. Why was the drawer buzzing? Harry opened the drawer and pulled out a letter.

_Dear Mr. Insane,_

_What are you thinking! Never mind, you're obviously not. Do you happen to remember why I set your butt blazing!? It seems you need a reminder. You are to write fifty lines of:_

_I will not put myself in dangerous situations. I will trust Professor Snape to solve this problem._

_If you dare to come up with some hairbrained scheme to get back to the castle just so you can 'help' not only will I tan your backside, I'll make sure that vegetables will be your only dinner choice for a month. _

_Send a reply through the Dieters Treasures Box so I know you're not already on your way to the castle. You may send your lines with Hedwig along with your next letter._

_Impatiently waiting,_

_S._

* * *

Snape drummed his fingers on the counter and glared at customers, causing a few to find other places to dine. Perkins came back with the reply:

_Dear S._

_Message heard. Staying put. _

_Pouting about lines,_

_Mr. Insane_

* * *

Authors note: Thank you to the anonymous reviewer who wrote such a great review a few days ago. Her/His comments caused me to realize I needed to add McGonagall's discovery of her new employee to this chapter.

I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. All reviews are appreciated. :)


	17. Mission: Dr BD

**Mission: Dr. B.D. : Diary; Roosters; Basilisk Death**

Snape had two choices. He could enter Gryffindor Tower as himself or he could enter it as Minerva. He much prefer to enter it as himself, but then he'd have to go through the whole debacle of explaining to the Fat Lady why he wanted in. This would lead to being questioned by Minerva about why he had been in her house. She'd pester him until she found out where he had heard about the diary. The last thing he wanted to admit to the Queen of the Lions was that her cubs were giving him advice.

So the choices were: grow breast or confess. With regret, 009 downed the bottle of polyjuice potion containing one of the stern witch's hairs. The back of his closet contained a hidden door that none but he knew about. In it, he stored the few heirloom possessions he had inherited from the Prince line upon his mother's death. A beautiful forest green frock was amongst the things he had received. It had been his Grandmother's. Never did he imagine he'd be putting it on.

* * *

_A few minutes later..._

'McGonagall' clipped up a set of stairs, skirt flowing, then waited for a set of stairs to swing his/her way.

"Why Minerva, what a pretty frock you're wearing!"

"Why, thank you Filius!" 009 felt like he was about to choke, this was worse than being Potter, worse than being Dursley, than being Lockhart! He needed to finish this mission quickly and he needed to escape the charms teacher who seemed to be trying to charm him!

"Are we any closer to knowing what caused the students to be petrified and how to deal with it?"

"According to the kno, ah, Ms. Granger it is a Basilisk. I've spoken with Severus. He insist that he will deal with the snake. He doesn't trust anyone else to do so. 'They'll just ruin extremely, rare and valuable potions ingredients.'," McGonagall/Snape mimicked Snape's dark tone, soft spoken voice. "So I've decided to leave it to him. I have plenty of other things on my plate to see to, what with the Board of Governors and parents wanting decisions made about whether to extend the school year or prorate the tuition due to the school closing."

"Speaking of which, I thought your were going to be out of the castle today, visiting students and their families," said Filius.

"I've just popped in to retrieve an item a student left behind. I'll be leaving again soon." Lies should always be kept as close to the truth as possible knew the double agent. "Ah, here are my stairs. Well, good day to you Filius." With that, 'McGonagall' swept up the next three flights of stairs.

The rest of the diary retrieval went without a hitch. It had been lying beneath a pile of old robes underneath Ginevra's bed. Didn't McGonagall ever check her cubs rooms or demand that they be cleaned? Un-made beds, clothes on the floor, spilt nail polish on the dresser. The house elves cleaned the common rooms, but the students were supposed to be responsible for the dorms. Snape was hard pressed to believe there weren't still people living in here. How could the students have packed for an interminable time home and yet have left so much behind?

* * *

Snape changed back into his own clothes. The chest area was a bit snug, but he refused to remain in the dress until he returned to his own body. He could deal with a female appearance in his own clothing better than his own body in a dress. McGonnagal/Snape sat down and opened the diary and found nothing to read. It was empty.

Recalling Potter's letter 009 grabbed a quill and wrote, "Hello, Tom."

"Hello. Who is this?" appeared on the page.

"Your servant." A throb of pain shot through Snape's left arm. "I seek to assist you with your plan."

"Will you give your body over to me, your soul."

"I already have, my Lord. I wear your mark." Another lick of fire flowed through the snake and skull.

"Of what mark do you speak?"

"The servants mark. A snake and skull."

"Prove to me your worthiness. You say the correct things, but I don't sense that you mean them. If you truly are my servant you will return me to the girl so that I may become whole again."

Whole again? Voldemort was trying to become whole again!? Snape about had a heart attack then and there, but managed to scroll out one last line before shutting the diary, "As you wish." Snape wasn't sure exactly when he had returned to his own form, but as he looked down he realized he was himself.

009 didn't know what the diary was, but he knew without a doubt that it needed to be destroyed. That monster would not be allowed to return, not if 009 could help it. New drawings needed to be added to his art portfolio of goals and plans, but right now he needed to feed a dog.

* * *

Somehow, after Hagrid had been taken away it had fallen to Snape to feed and walk Fang. Snape liked dogs, other than the three headed variety. But why this one had to drool so much he didn't know. "Lick your chops." The dog followed the instruction, removing the slobber from his lips. "Good dog. Outside." The two strolled the grounds, enjoying the evening. On the way back Fang caught his leg in some brambles as he tried to escape a freighting noise (a hopping bunny). Snape searched the little cabin for something to use on the wound and became incensed; the half-giant had a tails worth of unicorn hair in his first aid kit!

Snape mended Fangs leg. When he left the little cabin the first aid kit was short about half a unicorns tail. Snape considered it payment for dog care and he could sell them to fund the next part of his plan.

* * *

The truck pulled up outside Hogwart's gates. A man in black billowing robes awaited the driver. "You sure this where you want the roosters delivered?" asked the bewildered man. 'Why would anyone want anything delivered to the crumbling remains of a building and a broken down gate?' pondered the man. But the pay was good, so what did it matter to him?

"Quite," replied the man in black. They began with the farmer handing the cages down to Severus, who stacked them off to one side. They worked contentedly together for nearly an hour. "Old McDonald had a farm, e.i.e.i.o. With a..." Snape started to quietly sing the old tune as he pulled another cage off the truck. Then froze and scowled. A flick of his wand later and the last ten cages were off the truck. "Obliviate." Snape erased only the floating of the cages and the singing of the song from the famers mind. The few seconds of memory loss hardly affected the old timer at all. "Thank you for the delivery. Here is your payment."

'Must've lost track of time,' thought the farmer. It was easy to do that with farm work. He couldn't recall moving those last ten cages, but he must have done so. "I thank you. You need any more deliveries you let me know." The farmer climbed in his truck and drove off.

Snape summoned the house-elves that were in charge of moving luggage from the train to the dorms. "Take these cages and place them throughout the castle in all of the corridors. Fill Myrtle's bathroom with them. Put at least twenty of the cages in the hall outside that bathroom.

The elves looked around at the hundreds of cages. "Is you sure sir? Shouldn't roosters be going to the kitchens?" asked the head elf.

"I have another use for them for the moment. If they are still viable afterwards you may use them for a chicken feast for the return of the students."

The elves grinned and several began to bounce up and down on their feet. "The students be returning sir! The house elves be very bored sir. We be happy to have the students back!"

"If this plan works the students should be back within the week."

"Oh thank you sir! We be looking forward to their return! Is there anything else you be needing us to do to help?"

009 paused and thought for a moment. "I need the roosters to crow. But you can't be present when they crow. Do you have ideas for how to make that happen?"

"Just wait till morning sir. We wills cover the floor with worms and bugs sir," replied Fazzle.

"The sun and food will make them crow. They is claiming their hunting ground when they crow sir," explained Dizzy.

"Once one crows the others will follow," Barbette finished the others' thought.

"Cages to the halls and bathroom," ordered the head elf. Elves popped in and out taking cages as they went.

The castle's residents gave odd looks to the rooster cages, but only one complained. "There's chicken poop on my floors! Who's going to clean my floors!" screeched Filtch.

The next morning Snape went from cage to cage casting sonorous on the sleeping fowl. He found a catitonic Filch being licked by his familiar, Mrs. Norris. The two were on the floor strewn with worms and bugs and snoring roosters. Snape had no time to assist the dour man, he needed to open the chamber before the roosters crowded.

"Fazzle," Snape called out, "Please take Filch and Mrs.  
Norris to the infirmary." The elf disappeared with the man and his cat.

Snape continued on to the girls bathroom. 009 had a mission to complete. He had already investigated the bathroom and had found the tap with the snake on it. As head of Slytherin house he knew just two words of parseltongue. Each new head was taught by the previous how to say, "open," and "enter," in the snake language. They were the words used to open the passage between the Head of House quarters and the Slytherin's common room.

009 hid in Myrtle's stall. His hands shook as he cast obscuro on his eyes and sonorous on his throat. Then he spoke in the amplified voice in parseltongue, "Ssosspesssnss." The sink sunk squeaking and screeching. Snape waited until he heard the whisper of the first rooster crow in the distance then he called out, "ssesnstssessr."

The basilisk emerged from the cavernous tunnel, slithering across the floor until the distant whisper of morning became a cacophony of, "Cock a doodle do!" Such a strange way to kill a poisonous monster, but die it did, in the space of one, peaceful breath.

The roosters were anything but peaceful. Peeves was going about the castle opening cages. There were too many male chickens in too small an area and they each were fighting to claim there territory, their worms and bugs. Feathers flew. Wattles wobbled. It was crooned chaos. Were Filtch not already catatonic he'd be having a heart attack.

Snape ignored all this, entranced by his prize. The snake's width came to above Snape's waist. Looking into the hole Snape couldn't even spy the tail! The basilisk seemed to go on forever. Snape withdrew a potions knife from his robe. He lightly pierced the basilisk venom sack, getting just a few drops on the blade. 009 placed the diary on the floor.

"My servant. What are you doing?"

A voice Snape hadn't heard in more than a decade sounded from nowhere.

"Imbibing you with the strength of the basilisk, my lord."

"Good, good. Wait!" The voice cried out, realizing that this wasn't good at all. But it was too late the knife plunged through the pages and ink spilled like blood across the floor.

"Severus! Whatever is going on?" exclaimed McGonagall from the doorway, her hair and dress an array of feathers.

"I've killed the snake and the diary."

"What diary?"

Snape gave no explanation, he just pointed at the mangled pages.

"What of this mess? It's taken the house elves nearly an hour just to corral the roosters. The school is covered in feathers and bird droppings."

Had he really spent nearly an hour admiring his new potions ingredient? "What of it? I did my part. Surely someone else can deal with the cleanup." Snape turned back to the basilisk and ran his hand down its scales.

McGonagall's eyes widened as she finally took notice of the giant snake in the room. "I must commend you Severus. You've down a great service to the school. I will see to it you receive an award. Merlin, First Class I should think. You can do with the snake as you wish."

Snape's eyes gleamed. There were potions he had read about, potions that did amazing things. But never did he have the chance to make them. Basilisk were exceedingly rare.

'McGonagall' exited the bathroom. Had Snape been looking her way instead of at the snake he would have caught a flash of white beard and twinkling eyes in the tartan frock as a manipulative old man, who wasn't so very far away after all, morphed back into himself.


	18. An Afternoon at the Cinema

**An Afternoon at the Cinema**

Snape removed the sign from the ground. The dunderheads would be returning tomorrow.

He had achieved all his goals and was ready to reward himself with a visit to the cinema. Dressed in muggle denim with a black top Snape entered the theater, purchased his ticket, and perused the snack counter. Having obtained his goodies he found a seat 12 rows back and right in the middle.

* * *

Harry snapped the lock in place on his bike and made his way up to the ticket booth. He had never been to a movie theater before and was excited to try this new experience. His Aunt of course thought he was at the Y.

Harry looked over the display case. There were so many types of candy he had never tried before, but with the limit on his allowance he couldn't buy them all. He eventually decided to buy a small popcorn, a medium soda and a Mars bar.

Harry entered the dark auditorium, made his way to the fifteenth row and sat down. He sipped his soda and looked around. Then froze. He recognized the back of that head. Snape was here!

Harry gathered his items and moved one row forward and sat on the edge of the seat jiggling his foot. Harry glanced Snape's way again. Then Harry gathered his things and moved another row closer. He sat there for a few minutes looking Snape's way every few seconds. Harry gathered his courage again and moved to the row Snape was sitting in and sat in the very last seat. Two minutes later Harry started to move again and placed his drink in the cup holder three seats over.

A harsh whisper reached Harry's ear. "Get over here!" Harry made his final move and sat in the seat next to Snape. Harry did his best to appear stoic on the outside, as he had trained himself to do at the Dursley's. On the inside he was bouncing up and down; he was at a move theater, a public place and an adult wanted to spend time with him!

"Did you learn to dive yet?"

"Still working on it."

"Have you been playing in the deep end outside of class time?"

Harry inched a little further from Snape before responding. "Yes, but I really was safe! I'm really good at swimming now."

Snape gave Harry a mild cuff on the back of the head. "That restriction wasn't about safety."

"It, it wasn't?"

"It was about earning a privilege by achieving a goal. The next time I give you a goal-privilege requirement I expect you to achieve the goal first. If you fail to do so there will be consequences."

"Yes sir," stated Harry.

"I will not allow you to turn into a spoiled, arrogant twit. We will prevent this by teaching you to have restraint. When you come of age you will find yourself to be very wealthy, but if you don't learn restraint you will not keep that wealth for long."

Both sat silent for a few minutes, watching the ads for soda and snacks.

"Have you tried McDonald's apple pie?"

Harry looked askance at Snape, the question seemed so odd coming from him. "No sir."

"Chocolate sundae?"

"No sir."

"Cheese Danish?"

Harry could feel himself salivating. "No sir."

Snape nodded, "You are Forbidden to do so until you have achieved your goal. Or any of their other sweets."

"Goal sir?"

"Did you not write to me saying that you had spent some of your allowance on their French fries and that you wished Hogwarts had a fast food night?"

"Yes sir."

"Well then."

Harry's thoughts tumbled as much as his words, "But how am I supposed to do that!"

"Always start by writing or drawing your goals. Then do the same with your plans. You may have to device several plans before deciding which to act on. But which ever plan you decide on it must use discretion. You are to achieve your goal without becoming the school's hero. By the time the dunderheads are munching on taco supremes and Big Macs you and I should be the only people aware of who arranged it. Once you achieve your goal you will have earned your privilege and I will see to it that you get to try McDonald's pies, sundaes and Danishes."

Harry wasn't sure what to think of this new challenge. He wanted Fast Food night to be a reality, but he was twelve. How was he supposed to accomplish this? It was an insane idea. Then he smiled recalling Snape's nickname for him: Mr. Insane.

Mr. Insane settled back in his seat, ready to enjoy his first afternoon out at the cinema. His first time spending a casual afternoon out with an adult that didn't detest the fact he was there.

The lights dimmed, dark music seemed to come from all sides and a bat winged across the screen.

_The End_

* * *

Author's note:

I have received many wonderful reviews, some of which included great ways to continue the story. There is a good chance I will continue this story line, but since Snape has achieved the goals he set out to achieve this seems like a good place to stop Forbidden. I have yet to decide on a theme/name for the continuation. Once I have, I will add a notice chapter as to the name of the new story.

* * *

A tiny, unrelated one shot of mine that could happen due to all that "You Know Who" business:

**The Importance of a Name**

A group of teens sat around a table in the Three Broomsticks. One said, "I heard a rumor that Voldemort is back!"

"Who?" asked the other teens, nonplused.

"He Who Must Not Be Named," stated the first.

A shiver went around the table.

"How come you reacted to his nickname and not his real one?"

"We've never heard it before. No one ever says it."

* * *

**Story Suggestions**

.  
If you enjoyed this story you may also enjoy:

.

.

Occlumency Corner by Guiding Hand (me)

.

.

Make a Wish by Rorschach-s-Blot

(my personal all time favorite)

.

.

Force Sensitive by LunaStorm

(Harry watches Star Wars and realizes he is a Jedi -humorous one shot)

.

.

The Stag and the Dragon by StarFlight

(Darth Vader becomes a Hogwart's professor. I know it sounds odd, but the author makes it work.)


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